Creepy Christmas Folklore

It’s Christmaaaaaaaas! Time for presents, stuffing your face and hugging family…

BOLLOCKS TO THAT

We’re going to  show you why Christmas is one of the creepiest times of the year (with the weirdest Christmas lore from across the globe.

Krampus

The Krampus gets more recognisable every year, his PR team are working magic.

This demonic fucker-up of tiny children is a Germanic folklore (i.e the most fucked up folklore-IT’S FANTASTIC) Krampy is also one of the oldest on the list!

Shitting kids up since ancient times! Via Giphy

So the legend goes that old Kramps kidnaps and then gorily devours children who’ve been naughty that year.

Festive images of The Krampus ripping up kids have been around for hundreds of years. What a lovely tradition.

Krampus himself looks like the lovechild of Satan and a demonic billy goat.

Think gnarled horns, hooves and a face only a mother could live… If the mother was blind, deaf and had no sense of smell.

So very festive! Makes me feel all warm inside.

In Schlanders (a Germanic city in Italy) it’s still tradition for grown ups to dress as Krampus on Christmas Eve and run around scaring the shit out of children… sign me up please!

After scarring children for life they enjoy a lovely glass of Schnapps by the fire.

Grýla

The first of some terrifying Icelandic legends, this evil mountain witch has a similar M.O as most Christmas creepies, in that she likes to punish naughty children.

She is an Icelandic giantess with hooves, a wrinkled face and 13 tails.

Damn sneaky kids…

She comes down from the mountains on Christmas eve and kidnaps all the naughty children, taking them back to her home in a giant sack.

Then boils them alive in a stew, which sustains her till the next year.

Tasty AND efficient, this babe does not fuck around!

She also has an equally horrendous extended family!

You’ll meet her sons later in this list, but Grýla also had three husbands… who she murdered because they were shites and they bored her.

PREACH ELVIRA! Via Giphy

 

Jólakötturinn: The Yule Cat

Cats are dicks. Fact.

This is the biggest dick cat of all: A CAPITALIST LOVING MOGGY NIGHTMARE.

They eat poor children… just poor children.

Now most of us can’t say Jólakötturinn so we just call this bastard ,the Yule Cat, which feels very misleading since their entire thing is slaughtering poor folk.

Capitalist Cat Dick

Lemmie explain: Christmas is a time to celebrate by buying fancy new duds, splurging on a spiffy hat or a shiny new pair of shoes…and if you don’t, this cat will use its particular set of skills to hunt you down and kill you along with your entire family.

SO FUCKING FEEL GOOD! Via Giphy

Basically this Icelandic folklore was meant to inspire poorer people to work harder during the winter months so they could afford new garments for their family. CAPITALISM FOLKS!

13 Yule Lads

LADS LADS LADS! These guys are the pinnacle of unwanted Christmas guests.

If you thought creepy Uncle Alan was bad then wait till you meet these guys.

These are the spawn of Gryla, y’know the mountain witch!

Meet her asshole children, they’re basically the seven dwarves shit-head cousins.

LADS LADS LADS!

These guys don’t have the catchy names of Doc, Sleepy and Sneezy, but they are… descriptive, featuring; Spoon-Licker, Sausage-Swiper, Pan-Scraper, Door-Slammer, Window-Peeper (WTF?!), Meat-Hook (My Wrestling name), Gully-Gawk, Stubby, Bowl-Licker, Skyr Gobbler, Doorway-Sniffer and finally Candle-Stealer

Them’s some fucking jazzy names! Get the reference… via Giphy

Firstly they don’t all arrive together, they arrive one day at a time, and you’re stuck with them for 13 days.

They leave some nice prezzies for the kiddlywinks who have been good.

But the bad kids get all their shit fucked up.

Though they don’t murder you, like their dear old Mum does. They kick stuff over and pinch food, just more general oikness

Kallikantzaros

This lovely little Goblin bum nugget comes from Southern European Folklore, jumping out of hiding during the twelve days of Christmas to be a total pain in the arse.

Descriptions of them vary from country to country, but everyone agrees they are ugly as hell and causers of lots of mischief.

What a handsome chap! Via Wikipedia

To keep them away during the 12 days people would light a fire to ward them off or leave a colander outside.

The colander is out there because the Kallikantzaros can’t resist counting stuff apparently… also if they say the number 3 out loud THEY WILL BLOW UP because it’s a holy number.

Standard.

Via Giphy

Happy Holidays y’all!

Sara Westrop is passionate about making history accessible (and fun!) for everyone. A disabled, queer writer from just outside London, who loves writing about the unsung chapters of history.

The History of the Modern Vampire

The myth of life sucking demons has been putting the fright into ordinary folks for fucking ages (or centuries as you might call it)

Through varying incarnations and guises, these iconic undead killers have remained the stuff of nightmares. Pennywises and Freddy Kruegers come and go, but vampires are forever.

What lippie is that babes? Via Giphy

So without further ado, lets take a look at the history of our favourite monster!

The First Vampire: Ekimmu

Arguably the earliest incarnation of vampires is the Ekimmu or Eddimu from ancient Babylonia (we’re talking from like 4,000 years B.C here)

The Ekimmu was a restless spirit of the dead who drained the blood and life-force of the living. They were said to be created from souls who met a violent end or who weren’t buried properly.

It’s dinner tiiiiime! Via giphy

And if you thought that after 1000s of years these suckers has flown off, you’d be mistaken! It’s said that The Ekimmu still live in big cities amongst the homeless spreading death and disease…

The Lady is a Vamp: Estries

Estries are another ancient vampire from Jewish Folklore;  female vampires they feed on the blood of the living and have the ability to shapeshift into animals, usually preferring the form of cats.

It’s basically reverse Sailormoon…but with murder and no dick in a top hat!!

Killing an Estrie meant decapitating and burning the corpse. This form of vampire extermination apparently works…because today decapitation and a good vamp bonfire are also referred to as effective ways to kill our more modern vamps.

Vampires of Eastern Europe 

Now Vampires in one form or another have been around in European folklore for hundreds of years, such as the Shtriga from Albanian folklore.

The Shtriga was a delightful vampire witch that sucked up the blood of babies and infants at night (nice!)

Mmmmmm babies. Via Giphy

Shtriga would then turn themselves into a flying insect (think moth, wasp etc) and fly the feck outta there post meal without even leaving a tip.

Another vamp favourites from this corner of Europe is the Strigoi (which sounds like it should be a delicious pastry).

These vampires hailed from Romanian culture and have fed heavily into our modern vampire mythos; the spirits of the dead they drained the blood from living creatures and had the ability to transform into different animals, not only that but the jammy buggers could also turn invisible.

And for my next trick… Via Giphy

The best way to kill one was to cut the head off a suspected Strigoi corpse and to stab it in the chest with steel (because the Romanians are nothing if not thorough). The vampire slayer would then leave the vamp’s head between the knees or behind the bum. Which just seems rude.

The Best Selling Vampire 

We can thank short story, The Vampyre by John William Polder, for our modern day vampires.

Published in 1819 it tells the story of charming aristocratic vamp Lord Ruthven who is a total shit to his mate Aubrey (probably because he is a 19th century aristocrat). Ruthven kills the girl Aubrey fancies and then goes after his sister. It ends with a blood drained corpse and a missing Ruthven.

Next up came Carmilla in 1872, An amazing short story from Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu, WHICH BTW GAVE BIRTH TO QUEER LADY VAMPIRES!

Carmilla trying to cop a feel… Via Wikipedia

Carmilla is a super sexy lady vamp who prefers to chomp down on and suck the life out of innocent young ladies. Sadly though Carmilla is a trailblazer and future queer icon… it doesn’t end well for her, she gets a stake through the heart, then they cut her head off and burn her body… finally they chuck the ashes in a river. Overkill much?

Bram Stoker’s Dracula, published in 1897, was heavily influenced by The Vampyre and Carmilla.

Phwooooooooooor Drac. Via Giphy

Stoker elevated the modern vampire by taking the already established vampire mythos and building on it in a way that cemented it into the public’s consciousness.

• Blood lust – check
• Not keen on garlic – check
• Hates crosses – check
• Some kind of toff aristocrat as the main vamp – check
• Fuck loads of bats – check.

When Dracula was released it wasn’t an immediate hit, in fact it wasn’t until silent nightmare vamp flick Nosferatu was made in 1922 that Dracula became more well-known.

Creepy as fuck mate. Via Giphy

The producers of Nosferatu wanted to do a faithful version of Stoker’s Dracula, but they weren’t allowed. Stoker’s widow was having none of it.

To get round the fact they couldn’t use Drac producers basically changed some names and tweaked the ending from the book having their count vamp die in a sunlight related accident instead of getting staked.

Thanks to this, we now we know vamps hate sunlight! We also have the word ‘Nosferatu’ as a word to describe vamps thanks to this film too! Knowledge is power! 

F Yeah History, helping people win pub quizzes since 2017

Post Dracula

Thanks to Dracula’s cinematic success, everyone wanted a piece of the undead action.

Universal had a punt at making the Dracula legend with Bela Lugosi giving Drac that sassy European accent, Hammer Horror upped the sexy factor in their vamp films thanks to Christopher Lee feeding on big busted wenches and also used Carmilla as an influence for some light lesbian vampire action.

Dead but delicious. Via Giphy

Then you have Buffy, Blade, Anne Rice novels, True Blood and our personal fave the Underworld series (anything that puts Kate Beckinsale in PVC is a winner) plus a million other vamp inspired shows and books that all take lore and influence from Dracula & co.

Our worldwide vampire obsession continues to this day. Everyone loves a new vampire iteration… unless you decide to make them sparkly, creepy and abusive bum nuggets… also BTW no way would anyone in their right mind choose Pattinson over Lautner.

Sara Westrop is passionate about making history accessible (and fun!) for everyone. A disabled, queer writer from just outside London, who loves writing about the unsung chapters of history.

Britain’s 5 Most Horrifyingly Haunted Places

Talking about haunted places in Britain is a doddle… it’d probably be easier to tell you places that aren’t haunted or have some kind of horrific supernatural story behind it. We’re tripping over ghosts and castles everywhere!

But these 5…. these 5 places are so horrifically haunted that they deserve a special place in the heart of every Halloween loving goth kid.

So. Many. Fucking. Ghosts. Via Giphy

Hampton Court Palace

This place has hella ghosts. Like so many that we could probably do a post just on Hampton Court… but we have a word count to keep to (and other haunted spots to visit) so we’ll touch base with just some of their more famous spooks.

The ghosts of Catherine Howard AND Jane Seymour (wives of historical gobshite King Henry VIII) are supposedly busy getting their spook on here.

It is said that Catherine haunts the (rather aptly named) haunted gallery. Catherine supposedly ran down the gallery to beg Henry for mercy; her attempt failed and Henry had her head cut off in 1541. Now Catherine is stuck in some kind of horrifying historic limbo, forever trapped wailing in that corridor.

Yeeeeeah…Henry was a dick! Via Giphy

Henry’s 3rd wive, Jane, also supposedly haunts Hampton Court and can be seen walking through the palace courtyards carrying a lantern. She died at the palace in 1537 giving birth to King Henry VIII’s only male heir, Edward. TBH considering what a shit nozzle Henry was, she got off lightly.

Hampton Court’s most famous ghost though is SKELETOR (not the He Man baddie sadly).

CCTV caught this spook in 2003 after security staff noticed the fire doors near the Clock Court kept being violently flung open and closed again.

CCTV CAUGHT THE IMAGE OF THE GHOST IN A FANCY ROBE!

Skeletor! Via Giphy

One half of F Yeah History even had her own ghostly encounter whilst working there. Whilst in one of the shops, Greensleeves started playing on the shops iPod speaker system (nightmarish enough) but the song wouldn’t stop playing, looping itself on an endless repeat.

Our brave lass unplugged the iPod AND IT STILL KEPT PLAYING GREENSLEEVES! 

Note: The other half of F Yeah History is a ghost non-believer and would like to point out that she reckons the speakers were just broken…but screw that we’re going with GHOSTS 

 

Glasgow Necropolis

Now this super ancient graveyard has the literal name ‘city of the dead’ opened in 1833. The place is seriously crowded, housing over 50,000 souls; so you’re bound to see some weird shit happen round there.

Sightings of ghosts have been spotted since its conception, and locals advise that if you’re going there alone at night you should be respectful and polite, unless you want a ghost boot up the arse.

The John Henry Alexander Monument at Glasgow Necropolis. Via Wikipedia

One of the stranger rumours was that a vampire lurked round this graveyard back in the 1950’s, there were several sightings of a tall sinister looking man in a huge cape who disappeared into thin air if confronted and the vampire was blamed for the disappearance of two local children.

Local kids armed themselves with knives and homemade stakes and patrolled for two nights back in September of 1954.

Local PC Alex Deeprose was called down to make the kiddies dispurse, he was shocked at the sheer number of them and it took weeks for the patrols to stop!

Sadly a bit before her time… via Giphy

Bolsover Castle

One of our faves, Bolsover is chock full of supernatural shenanigans. This site has had reports of spooky sightings, people being pushed about by unseen forces and objects moving around between locked doors!

Haunted AF Bolsover Castle. Via Wikipedia

Bolsover was built on an ancient burial ground (recipe for supernatural disaster) and has been around since the 11^th Century, so there’s a bum load of history there and room for plenty of ghosts.

One of the more well-known ghosts is that of a little boy who holds the hand of female visitors when they explore the garden.

They’ve had staff check out after experiencing spooks first hand. Night shift security guards have handed in their notice after seeing lights and hearing voices when checking the site on their own.

Once during some routine maintenance work 4 builders watched a period clad lady walk through a wall near where they were working. Two of them decided ‘fuck this!’ and didn’t come back.

What he said… via Giphy

Note: The other half of F Yeah History would like to note that Bolsover is so supposedly haunted, that its staff have had to start a ghost sightings books, just to keep up with all the creepy shenanigans (apparently, despite not believing in ghosts, the other half of F Yeah History is a know it all…)

Woodchester Mansion

Woodchester Mansion is just a shell of what would have been an impressive gothic mansion, it’s a strange story because the build was suddenly abandoned in the 1870s and no one ever finished off the work, so it’s stood there for over a hundred years.

Looks quite nice in the daytime! Via Wikipedia

There were rumours one of the workers was murdered on site, and his ghost haunted remaining builders there who downed tools and promptly fucked off… the likelihood is that the money for the build just ran out.

From there its history reads like a series of American Horror story!

During the Second World War the grounds of the house were used for D-Day training and one day a fatal accident took place when a bridge over the lake collapsed and soldiers performing a drill were drowned.

Their bodies were taken back to the house and their ghosts still haunt the ruins; visitors claim to have seen men in uniform wandering through the house.

😱 via Giphy

The house itself is said to house a bunch of seriously nasty ghosties. Before it was turned into a gothic shell it was the site of a few other fancy houses so the site has collected all the ghosts from previous incarnations.

There’s a ghost monk in the chapel, a mean old lady ghost who grabs at people in the dark and the ghost of a small girl who likes to trip people up (so all nice people)

It’s been featured in loads of ghost hunter TV shows like Most Haunted and Ghost Hunters International so if you want to get in on the action book yourself in for a ghost hunt there. They do them all the fecking time!

 

Bleeding Heart Yard

This one is proper creepy. Legend has it that Lady Elizabeth Hatton a beautiful Tudor socialite was brutally murdered in the yard.

She was found torn limb from limb and her still beating heart was left in the road found by a (probably) really fecking traumatised passer-by.

People have reported hearing a loud beating sound like, y’know…. a heartbeat, when in the yard, others have seen a mournful looking woman said to be the ghost of Elizabeth looking for her still beating heart.

Depending on the legend she was either murdered by her lover, a penniless dancer, who was jealous of her attention from rich fancy men or it was the devil himself who killed her. Not much difference between those two really.

Now it houses a super fancy bistro (their eggs Royale is the tits), but we used to work near there and neither of us would walk down the yard at night. It is creepy as fuck.

We hope you enjoyed our countdown, if you fancy visiting for yourself there’s ghost tours round most of these ones that go on year round. Bolsover even has its own FrightFest this October celebrating all their ghosties!

Sara Westrop is passionate about making history accessible (and fun!) for everyone. A disabled, queer writer from just outside London, who loves writing about the unsung chapters of history.

The Spookiest Stories for Halloween

Tis the season to get spooky fa la-la-la la-la la-la AAAAAAARGH. Now call me old fashioned but there’s nothing nicer than curling up with a ghostly short story in front of a fire.

BOOOOOOO MUTHAFUCKERS! Via Giphy 

Traditionally in Britain ghost stories are a Christmas activity with those morbid Victorian’s telling their most chilling tales whilst roasting chestnuts on an open fire (so the song goes) and if the BBC doesn’t show a ghost story drama over the festive period, it fucking ruins Christmas for us.

BUT, we also love reading chilling tales throughout October or ‘Goth Christmas’ as we like to call it, so we’ve pulled together our favourite nightmare-fuelled-historical-spectral tales from masters of the craft. Don’t blame us if you have to sleep with the light on.

The Signalman – Charles Dickens – 1886

Now we’re all familiar with Dicken’s in some capacity and arguably he created the most well-known ghost story in the Western World with A Christmas Carol that story of curmudgeonly old bellend Ebenezer Scrooge and his journey to becoming less of a bellend when he’s visited by three Christmas ghosts. Everyone knows this story, even the Muppets have a version of it.

Spooky and fuzzy! Via Giphy 

Dickens himself liked a good ghost story and had a keen interest in all kinds of supernatural shiz. So no surprise that he’s have a go at writing ghostly tales himself. The Signalman was published in 1866 as a Christmas short story for part of a collection entitled Mugby Junction.

If you’re new to ghost stories I’d start with this one. It’s a short and unsettling read about a train enthusiast who decides to go have a chat with a signalman, back in those days train signalling was done by human hand. Our narrator finds a confused and terrified signalman who is being haunted by a spectre that foreshadows some seriously shitty events.

Pomegranate Seed – Edith Wharton – 1931

Edith Wharton is Queen of the ghost story genre, she’s incredible at creating suspense and malevolence from totally mundane settings. She’s got three amazing collections of spooky tales we highly recommend AND she won the Pulitzer Prize for Literature in 1921, being the first lady to receive the honour!

Pomegranate Seed might actually be our favourite ghost story of all time. This tale is horrifying and there is a real layer of malice to the entire story and you keep hoping for a happy ending to this one. LET LOVE WIN!

This probably won’t end well 💀 Via Giphy 

It centres round the newly wed Mrs Charlotte Ashby and her hubby Kenneth. He was a widower and his dead wife Elsie decides she has unfinished business with Kenneth. She starts communicating with him through ghostly letters. It’s only gets worse from there.

The Monkey’s Paw – W. W. Jacobs – 1902

First published in 1902 as a short story Harper’s Monthly Magazine this is a brilliant and fairly well known spooky story, was written by William Wymark Jacobs, who was known for his humorous writing. Laurel and Hardy did a film Our Relations based off one of his funny stories The Money Box!

Now our boy Will released a series of spooky and funny stories The Lady of the Barge. This story was included in this anthology. Honestly this story shits me right up. It still makes me recoil in horror reading it, and those of you who like your ghost stories with a bit of necromancy shoved in will enjoy this.

The Simpsons did a Monkey’s Paw homage in Treehouse of Horror. Via Giphy 

The White family have a visit from their old mate who’s a Sargent-Major in the army. He’s had a tour of India and seems to have come back a broken man. The White family press him for all the juicy details and he hands over a manky looking mummified monkeys paw and tells them it grants wishes. That’s when all shit hits the fan and stuff gets proper creepy.

The Nature of the Evidence – May Sinclair – 1923

May Sinclair knows how to do psychosexual horror. She was fascinated by Freud and was a member of the Society of Psychical Research, who conducted scientific studies into supernatural events. We’re imagining a sort of Victoriana ghostbusters.

May released two collections of ghost stories Uncanny Stories, which this unsettling and sessyful tale is in and The Intercessor and Other Stories, both have got some seriously scary stuff in, but The Nature of Evidence is the one that makes us need to sleep with the light on.

DON’T GO IN THE FUCKING LIBRARY BITCH! Via Giphy 

It’s basically a sexier version of Rebecca, but with an actual ghost. Our narrator has been gently coaxing juicy details of an X-Rated ghostly encounter from his mate Edward Marston, who’s being haunted by the ghost of his first wife Rosamund. His new wife Pauline doesn’t live up to Rosamund’s standards… and she lets the bitch know it!

The Phantom Rickshaw – Rudyard Kipling – 1885

Now Mr Kipling (not the cake dude) is a well beloved author, he gave us The Jungle Book for fecks sake! He’s famous for his short stories and is seen as a figure who reinvented their popularity during his lifetime. Considering he wrote lots of lovely stories for kids this short story is pretty bollocking creepy. This ghost story is one with a message at its core, this message is

‘DON’T BE A SHITTY DUDE!’

The lovely soothing illustration for Kipling’s Ghost Stories. Via Wikipedia 

Falling into the ‘MEN ARE TERRIBLE’ category our dickhead narrator Jack strings along a married woman he’s been having an affair with, and when he’s done with her tells her she’s uggo and he hates her so could she just piss off please?

Poor lass is heartbroken and she dies, BUT, then our girl gets her spooky groove back. She decides to teach this fuckboi a lesson and haunts the shiz out of him.

These tales are mostly available to read online or you can get them on your kindle, because they’re fecking ancient. But if you want to sink your teeth into more modern collections we heartily recommend Ghostly a collection of spooky short stories pulled together by Audrey Niffenegger, Pomegranate Seed is included in that one.

The Folio Society have an INCREDIBLE collection of ghost stories in their aptly names Folio Book of Ghost Stories. It looks gorgeous and boasts an excellent selection including The Signalman and The monkey’s Paw.

Happy reading folks!

Sorry… we had to do this. Via Giphy 

Sara Westrop is passionate about making history accessible (and fun!) for everyone. A disabled, queer writer from just outside London, who loves writing about the unsung chapters of history.

The Lore of Murderous Mermaids

Society has been obsessed with these fancy fish ladies for thousands of years, and we’re going to look at some of the legends that gave birth to these aquatic marvels.

Just incase you haven’t come across The Little Mermaid and its ilk; what is a mermaid? Well, a mermaid is a creature with the top half of a lady and the bottom half of a big ole fish. The modern name for mermaid comes from the old English Mer, meaning sea and Maid, meaning a young lady; thus mermaid (which way sounds better than ‘sea-young lady’)

Lookin’ Good! Via Giphy

Nowadays one thinks of mermaids as pretty, nice sea folk, with amazing hair, a talent for singing and an adorable habit for falling in love with random Princes. Well… that is not the case, Disney lied to you.

Historically mermaids were associated with bad omens, shipwrecks and of course:

DEATH BY MUCH BLOODY VIOLENCE.

So, let’s start things off by looking at the concept of merfolk as deities.

The Ancient Babylonians had a mergod called Era who was depicted as half man, half fish. He was the god of the sea (handy that being part fish and all) the Syrians decided to copy the Babylonians and created their own merged, Derketo. 

Derketo was depicted in the more traditional way of top half of a lady and bottom half of a fish. This idea was in turn nicked by the Ancient Greeks, who came up with the idea of Sirens. 

Siren’s in Greek mythology often get cited as a starting point for the more recognisable mermaid mythology.

Half female, half bird creatures, they morphed into sexy fish fancies, luring sailors to their death on the rocks by singing sweet songs and flashing their knockers.

The Fisherman and the Syren, by Frederic Leighton, c. 1856–1858. Via Wikipedia

Now for the scary bleak stuff!!! Mermaids ain’t all cuddly folks, for example; they appear in One Thousand and One Nights (a collection of Middle Eastern fairy tales) and are described as having;

‘moon faces and hair like a woman’s, but their hands and feet were in their bellies and they had tails like fishes’

Nice!

Some of these tales included whole underwater societies;  in Abdullah the Fisherman and Abdullah the Merman, the protagonist, Abdullah, gains the ability to breathe underwater; in doing so he comes across a mermaid society that basically functions as a proto communist society…so obvs he decides to hang out with a load of half fish commie chicks.

The Japanese also got in on the mermaid fun (just in a fully nightmarish way!); creating Kappa; who had human like faces….with the rest of their body a mix of monkey, fish and turtle.

The Kappa liked tricking humans into becoming their own fish food by pretending to be nice and friendly, maybe invite you to play some Sudoku, followed by ALL OF THE DEATH. They were particularly partial to a nice, crunchy, small child.

OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT! Via Giphy

But it wasn’t just Japan coming up with half fish nightmare fuel.

Mami Wata is an African water spirit who appears as a sexy lady or the more traditional part lady part fish. It’s said that Mami Wata steals men from their homes forcing them to become her lovers, she can also be responsible for killing those who don’t give her offerings that please her. She likes mirrors and combs FYI if you ever run into her.

The Russians also joined in the ‘what the fuck, why; party…but being Russia they kept their mermaid lore nice and miserable.

Rusalka are the spirits of young women who had violent deaths, usually by drowning. They appear as shimmery spirits in the water and lure men and young children to their deaths dragging them underwater with their long treacherous ghost hair.

Witold Pruszkowski “Rusałki” 1877 Via Wikipedia

But mermaid lore wasn’t just for the ladies! Scotland has a cracking legend about Mermen. The Blue Men of the Minch (AKA storm kelpies) who live off the coast of the Outer Hebrides. They had blue skin and really bad tempers. For a laugh (and general sea boredom) they enjoyed fucking about with humans; they’d stop you In your little fishing boat, ask a bunch of riddles and if you got them wrong, they’d tear you to pieces….literally…because they’re fun like that.

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In Medieval times it was just accepted as fact that mermaids were real, there’s even an account from the 1400’s of a mermaid being rescued in Holland after getting stuck in a dike.

They moved her to a local lake to recover, teaching her how to speak Dutch and do basic household chores to pass the time, the residents later converted her to Catholicism (yay?)

Now most of us Westerners know mermaids because of Disney.

The Little mermaid has a special place in the hearts of many a girl, but on a recent re-watch (for research) I found myself screaming:

‘SHE’S ONLY 16 TRITON, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING LETTING HER MARRY SOME FUCKBOI PRINCE!’

So for me it’s an allegory of really bad parenting.

You’re gunna fuck it all up Ariel. Via Giphy

This was based on the Hans Christian Anderson tale of The Little Mermaid published in 1837.

Hans’ tale is a bit bleaker, because at the end our mermaid doesn’t get her Prince and so, after having her tongue cut out, she dies and becomes foam on the waves. A pretty wanky death. Ah the good old days where everybody was dead or at least maimed by the end of a fairy tale.

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So….with all that historic mermaid lore, the question is: are mermaids real?

Well – No. Historians and anyone with half a brain deciphered that in all likelihood mermaid sightings were just your average curvaceous manatee, being viewed from a distance. Honestly being stuck at sea for months and MONTHS on end would make a manatee look pretty fucking appealing to me to.

Sexy manateeeeeeeeee. Via Giphy

Mermaids have had a bit of a resurgence in the last few years (sadly not manatees though).

They are on your Starbucks mugs, on the big screen (like that live action remake of The Little Mermaid NOBODY asked for), all over glittery stationery, T-Shirts and in story books.

Plus there’s still the odd ‘sighting’ of a mermaid. In Israel in 2009 dozens reported seeing a mermaid leaping out of Haifa Bay and playing around in the waves. The local town offered $1million for proof of the mermaid, but they got bugger all.

There was a more recent one in 2012 Zimbabwe where workers were scared off by mermaids while carrying out maintenance work on reservoirs. The government decided to carry out religious rites on the site and brewed a batch of traditional beer for them. It worked and the boozy mermaids left them to it.

Up for boozin’. Via Giphy

So there you have it, we’ve only lightly touched the tip of the mythos behind mermaids. It’s a pretty complicated backstory, DRENCHED IN THE BLOOD OF MEN, which always makes for a fun family friendly read. Have you got any mermaid lore to tell us? Drop us your mermaid tails (geddit?) in the comments or on the socials!

Sara Westrop is passionate about making history accessible (and fun!) for everyone. A disabled, queer writer from just outside London, who loves writing about the unsung chapters of history.