Blood thirsty revenge, pirates and traitors: the batshit story of Jeanne De Clisson

Strap in for the tale of Jeanne de Clisson, the gentile noble lady turned warrior pirate and traitor – Game of Thrones Cersai has nothing on this vengeful woman!

Ok, I hope you guys are ready, because today we’re embarking on one of my favourite bat-shit stories in history! We’ll be travelling to 14th century France to meet a lady who took the term ‘woman scorned‘ and ran way past the line with it. Going from a rich noble-born, to making a name for herself as both Frances’ number one enemy and a fearless swashbuckling pirate! Ready? Let’s get to it then:

Born in Brittany, France, in 1300 to wealthy titled parents, Maurice IV of Belleville-Montaigu and Létice de Parthenay, the story of Jeanne De Clisson starts off as that of your average 14th century noble born woman. And by that I of course mean that Jeanne was married off at 12 (wasn’t the past great!?).

She lived her life how a well behaved noble lady was expected to. Popping out babies and re-marrying other rich influential men when her husbands died. So far so standard.

By the time Jeanne reached her thirties she was onto marriage number three, to noble, Oliver De Clission. But Jeanne and Oliver’s marriage was actually incredibly unique for this era. You see, they actually loved each other!

Unsurprisingly with people being married off purely based on how it would help build up a families wealth and titles, true ‘love matches’ were few and far between. Luckily, Jeanne and Oliver were the exception to that rule.

Together, they lived together in a blissful bubble. Having five children and flitting between their family castle and manor, with little to no drama’s occurring. Life was perfect.

That is, until war tore their world apart

War! What is it good for? NOTHING SERIOUSLY NOTHING – War of Breton Succesion, Battle of Auray from Froissants Chronciles

In 1337 France and England were at each others throats, fighting for the right to rule over France. You see, ten years earlier, French king, Charles VI had died without leaving a clear heir, meaning the crown was anyone’s to grab (if you could come up with a decent claim for it!). To make things even worse, this wasn’t your usual battle for power. Oh no. This went on so long that it became known as the ‘hundred year war’.

And you know what makes any already confusing and convoluted war even better? That’s right, another mini war to take place in the already existing war!

Enter, The War of Breton Succession

In 1341, John ‘the good’ of Brittany, who ruled over the homeland of Jeanne and her brood, died childless. This meant that he left no clear cut heir to take his place (apparently France loves a theme) thus two rival factions made a claim to Brittany. John Montfort, who was backed by the English and Charles of Blois, who was both married to John ‘the goods’ niece and had the French nobility’s support.

As battle over their Brittany home sped up, Oliver and Jeanne opted to give their support to noble fave, Charles of Blois. With Oliver stepping into the role of one of Charles military commanders.

This would prove to be a bad choice. In 1341 Oliver was sent to defend the town of Vanne, against English invaders. Sadly, Vanne fell and Oliver and several others were captured and ransomed.

Left alone with five kids, her beloved husband locked up and her home at war, this was far and away one of the darkest times in Jeanne’s life.

But suddenly there was a light! Oliver’s ransom was set incredibly low and he was released. Not only that, but England and France had signed a truce. To celebrate this incredible turn in events , Oliver was invited to take place in a tournament.

The family back together, a lovely day out and relative peace? Surely for our lovebirds Jeanne and Oliver, the future was looking bright?

Nope. It was all a rouse.

It turned out that Charles of Blois suspected that Oliver’s ransom had been set so low because he was actually working with the English to assist their seize of Vennes. So he had lured Oliver to the tournament to arrest him.

Oliver was detained and sent to Paris for trial. There, under the blessing of French king, Phillip the Fortunate, he was sentenced to death. Despite no clear proof of guilt being found against him.

And so Oliver was executed as a traitor. Essentially because his boss reckoned he might have been one.

Where’s HR when you need them!?! –
1400s depiction Execution of Oliver De Clisson, Lidet Loyset,

Something had shattered inside Jeanne and what replaced it was cold steel.

To further her pain, Oliver’s body was desecrated. His body strung up by the armpits and his head sent to be placed on a spike in Nantes as a warning to others.

Emotionally broken, Jeanne actually took her sons to see their fathers head in Nantes. And after that minor child trauma was over, she decided to pack up her stuff, sell the families lands, raise a small army of fighters and set out to avenge her husband.

Newly armed and incredibly dangerous, she was determined to reek bloody revenge on Charles of Bois, King Phillip the Fortunate and France itself.

Can someone check with George R R Martin, because the comparisons here are startling.

Jeanne’s first stop was to the castle owned by Galois de la Heuse, a friend of Charles of Bois. She turned up, kids in tow and asked to be let in. And of course they let her in! I mean, sure she was the wife of a traitor, but how much of a threat could one woman be? Right….

By morning everyone in the castle had been killed.

All except for a few wide eyed survivors who Jeanne let flee so they could spread word of her murders.

Live footage of Jeanne leaving Galous de la Heuse’s house

In 1343 Jeanne had been declared a traitor and with the French fuzz catching up to her, she decided to take her fight to the sea and become a pirate (as you do).

She bought three ships with the money she had from selling all her lands and goods. She then ordered them to be painted black and their sails dyed crimson. With her incredibly dramatic ships set, she set sail across the channel.

Now if you thought that seeing the pirate skull cross bones set fear into the hearts of sailors, well that had nothing on Jeanne and her merry band of murderers.

French crews who saw those crimson sails emerging from the fog, knew it meant one thing. They were about to die.

Jeanne and her crew set their sights on any and all French ships. Capturing them and slaying the entire crew. And unlike many other pirates, noble borns weren’t kept for ransom. Instead it’s believed that Jeanne would behead them herself.

Yet it wasn’t all stabby stabby kill time. As she had before, Jeanne left a few survivors. Not because she was being nice, but so word would spread back to King Phillip of the horror she was wreaking across the seas.

Burn it all! – Interpretation of Jeanne de Clisson by Rejected Princeses

Now Jeanne wasn’t just about indiscriminate murder. She was also one smart woman. Which is why she joined forces with England in her quest to take down France.

You see, by this point France and England had fallen out once more, with their truce only lasting two years (1343-1345) and the battle for the French throne was back on (it was called the hundred year war for a reason!)

With his country at war, things were already bad, but things started to look very unfortunate (get it) for King Philip after he discovered that Jeanne was not only brutally murdering his ships crews, but also using her fleet to provide supplies to English troops in France.

Much of this particular time in Jeanne’s life has been turned into legend. Meaning it is really hard to sift through and tell fact from fiction. There are tales of her plundering french fishing villages and towns, joining English ships as they invaded France and beheading more people than Henry VIII on a really bad day,

You might think that King Phillip dying in 1350 would have satisfied Jeanne’s blood lust and stopped her quest for vengeance. But it didn’t.

It looked like only death could stop Jeanne. And it came for her around 1353, when her flagship sunk. Leaving Jeanne and her two sons, Guillaume and Oliver adrift in the middle of the sea.

Like, I’m scared for her and yet also scared for the sea…

Huddled together in a small boat, mother and sons looked like they stood no chance against the elements.

Guillaume soon died from exposure and time was fast running out for Jeanne and Oliver.

But a little shipwreck wasn’t going to stop Jeanne. She didn’t stop rowing. Even after her son died, she wouldn’t stop. This lasted for five days, until both her and Oliver were picked up by Montfort forces. Their survival was nothing short of miraculous and yet, considering Jeanne, not surprising.

Seriously, she’s like the 14th century terminator! Interpretation of Jeanne de Clisson by Elsa Millet.

Following this, Jeanne and her surviving son sought exile in England. And from here, Jeanne’s story takes a very unexpected turn.

Jeanne found love once more.

She met English Knight, Sir Walter Bentley, during her exile, and for the first time in years, she must have felt a joy that she thought had been lost forever. The pair married in 1356. With Jeanne choosing to leave her pirating days behind her, in favour of returning to the quiet married life she’d left behind over a decade ago.

With her new husband by her side, Jeanne actually moved back to Brittany (all be it a part of Brittany now looked after by English forces!) Living happily in Honnebont Castle until she died peacefully in 1359.

More like this

Sex, Power & the French Revolution: The scandalous life of Madame Du Barry

A cheap whore that got lucky; that’s the general historic consensus on Jeanne Bécu, more commonly known as Madame Du Barry. The rival of Marie Antoinette, scandalous mistress of Louis XV and joke of the French Revolution.

But I’d argue that there is WAY more to this lady than history has warranted her. 

The tale of Madame Du Barry verges on unbelievable. This is a story jam packed with love, sex and an EXTRODINARY  leading lady – oh, and at the end the entire cast is beheaded…

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Go on….

Jeanne Bécu was quite literally born into scandal. The illegitimate daughter of a seamstress, she was the result of a remoured (a quickly covered up) love affair with a local friar.

Yet despite her salacious start in life, Jeanne had a priveledged upbringing.

Her mother worked for an incredibly wealthy and powerful man, who just happened to be her former lover. This worked in favour of the precocious young Jeanne and she became an unofficial part of the household. Doted on by the staff, her  mother’s boss and even his mistress.

But this lush life came to a sudden end when Jeannes Mum married. The days of being showered with attention and gifts were over. And the family moved away from the household that had so adored Jeanne.

Soon money became more of an issue and Jeanne was shipped off to a convent.

Unsurprisngly this was not an environment that suited the fun loving and feisty Jeanne.

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Convents, not the natural home for teenage sass…

So as soon as she could Jeanne left the convent. And at just 15, Jeanne was making a living on the streets of Paris.

She worked selling low grade trinkets in the cities dingy side streets. In addition to a string of other short lived jobs and even shorter lived affairs…

Just surviving day to day was a struggle, but Jeanne still remembered her small taste of oppulance. She was determined to get that life back and was more than happy to work her arse off to get it.

Her endless jobs, hard work and good looks, caught peoples attention. Soon the back streets of Paris were abuzz about the beautiful and charismatic Jeanne.

A young Jeanne by François-Hubert Drouais
A young Jeanne by François-Hubert Drouais

Jean-Baptiste du Barry, had heard all about Jeannes beauty and he decided he wanted her on his books.

A ‘procurer’ of high class mistresses (read, Pimp) Du Barry thought Jeanne would be his crowning jewel and was desperate for her to join his merry band of mistresses.

Jeanne was totally down with this!

Becoming a mistress to the Parisian elite would allow Jeanne to get out of the gutter, maintain much of her independence, AND earn more money than she could dream of.

Finally Jeannes’ ship had come in… even if it was driven by Captain Creep.

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An accurate representation of Jean-Baptiste du Barry

Despite Captain Creep being at the wheel, Jeanne took Paris by storm. Becoming the mistress to political power players and influential courtiers.

She was the IT girl and everyone wanted a piece of her…including The King of France.

Jeanne had caught the Kings eye during a quick trip to Versailles (to see one of her many lovers) and upon meeting her King Louis XV was immediately entranced.

The king announced he wanted Jeanne as his main mistress. 

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The King in question, Louis XV

Slight snag; only titled, married, noble women could become the Kings mistress and Jeanne was a girl from the back streets of Paris with no ounce of noble blood…

But no matter! This was love!!

And so in a very real Cinderella story, the Kings men searched all the brothels of Paris, for the creep that could make their dreams come true.

And they found him!

Jeanne was married to her former pimp, Jean-Baptiste du Barry’s brother. He was then promptly paid to fuck off, making Jeanne just technically married.

The King then invented a fictional noble lineage for Jeanne, before transforming her old clothes into a fabulous gown and lavishing her with one of the most ornate wigs French court had ever seen.

Jeanne was now Madame Du Barry, and she was ready for her official debut as royal mistress extraordinaire.

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I’m shocked Disney has not made this yet!!!

Sadly the French Court didn’t get the whole ‘Cinderella story’ memo.

To them Jeanne was a ‘whore’. Sure she’d been cleaned up, but she was nothing more than a cheap guttersnipe who got lucky.

Women literally had to be bribed to become friends with Jeanne.

Those that didn’t ‘befriend’ Jeanne, remained irate that this strumpet had been chosen as mistress over noble born ladies. And so, in true OTT mean girls spirit, they started spreading rumour and gossip filled pamphlets about Jeanne across court.

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Who knew Mean Girls was inspired by Versailles?!

Almost as soon as she arrived at court, Jeanne had everyone around her actively pushing for her failure.

But she didn’t buckle. Instead Jeanne did what she always did. Worked.

Taking up classes in manners and etiquette, to help own her new role.

Not only that but just to prove that she was more than the cheap gold digger she was painted as, Jeannes first favour from the King wasn’t a request for money, political power or jewels…it was for mercy.

Infact, Jeanne became known for saving people from execution; falling to her knees and refusing to get up until the King agreed to spare lives.

She notably saved a debt ridden couple from beheading and a young women who was due to be hung after not reporting her still born child as dead.

Things were looking up for Jeanne,as she started cementing her place in court.

And then Marie Antionette turned up.

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In 1770 Marie Antionette married the Kings grandson (and heir).  joining the French Court.

Upon seeing Jeanne, Marie asked what she did and was told that Jeanne gave the King ‘pleasure.’

To which Marie Antionette said:

‘Oh, then I shall be her rival, because I too wish to give pleasure to the King.”

Yeah… Marie Antionette was very green.

But sadly if Jeanne thought that sweet (and VERY naive) Marie was going to be her first real friend at Court, she was all kinds of wrong.

She had in fact just met her very own Regina George (in sheeps clothing)

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This bitch..

When Marie Antoinette discovered what Jeannes job actually was, she was disgusted. Feeling that Jeannes mere presence was degrading.

BUT Marie’s hatred of Jeanne wasn’t just down to properiety.

Marie Antoinette was just weeks into her marriage, but she was still struggling to have sex with her new husband. Infact the pair hadn’t even consummated the damn thing!

Now this openly sexual woman was being thrust in her face constantly.

That’s not the basis for a lasting living friendship.

And so, egged on by the court, Marie Antoinette did what any young woman does when faced with someone they hate….

she froze the bitch out.

Marie Antoinette and her entourage indulged in long bitch sessions about Jeanne and developed a fun habit of throwing lavish parties…where Marie just accidentally always forgot to invite the Kings Mistress.

Not only that but Marie Antoinette refused to acknowledge Jeanne in public.

Now this wasn’t like the parties and snide comments. This was a HUGE deal. For Marie to not acknowledge the Kings mistress broke all kinds of court etiquette and appeared to send a message that she was questioning the Kings decision making.

It’s the historic equivalent of you striding across the office, punching your bosses PA in the face, flipping their desk and calling them a bitch.

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Big no no!

But it wasn’t just Marie going after Jeanne. Shots had been fired by both sides in this battle.

Jeanne orchestrated the removal of one of Marie Antoinette favourite courtiers. She also loved nothing more than openly and loudly talking about Marie Antoinettes bedroom issues with her new husband.

BUT Marie Antoinette icing out Jeanne had taken things to far… it had gone from a mutual dislike to an actual threat to Austrian French relation. This fued had to end!

So on New Years Day 1772, Marie Antoinette ended the fight in style.

She cooly walked over to Jeanne in one of Versailles packer corridors. Waiting until she had everyone’s attention, Marie stared Jeanne down and said

“There are a lot of people today at Versailles”  

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The weirdly polite shade of it all!

With the feud between Marie Antoinette and Jeanne now at an end, you’d be forgiven for thinking things would chill out for Jeanne.

Nope!

In April 1774 King Louis XV caught Smallpox.

By May he was dead.

Marie Antoinette and her husband were now ruling France…and with Jeannes’ rival now Queen, that could only mean one thing.

Jeanne was out on her arse. 

Madame Du Barry 2
Madame Du Barry, by Elisabeth Vigée LeBrun

Just like that, Jeanne was once more sent to a convent.

But she didn’t stay there for long. Jeannes’ mistress-ing work had paid off and she could afford to buy herself an amazing house out in the country. Out of the way of Marie Antionette but still the lap of luxury, it was perfect.

So there Jeanne lived. Hosting salons for Frances best artists, doing charity work in her local area and taking as many lovers as she wanted,

But we all know that this story can’t end in pastoral bliss. Why?

THE FRENCH REVOLUTION! 

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‘Do you hear the people sing, singing this won’t end well’

By the 1790s, the revolution was in full swing. Many of the courtiers that Jeanne knew, had already met with the Guillotine and so she was doing her best to keep a low profile out in the country.

But then in 1791, Jeanne had her jewels stolen in the night.

Desperate to get them back she launched an investigation. Traveling between France and London to look for them.

King Louis XVs mistress running around Europe on a hunt for her missing jewels soon caught attention…and not the right kind.

It turns out the French Revolution is not the climate in which to become a bougie Carmen Sandiego. The people were calling out for Jeannes blood.

In 1793 she was arrested and on the 7th Dec that year, Jeanne was sentenced to death. Madame du barry.jpg

Jeanne was an emotional wreck (to be fair, wouldn’t you be!?!) she was to die the next day and had no clue how to get out of it.

But then she had an idea!

In the morning, when guards arrived to cut off Jeannes hair -in preparation for her execution-she calmly told them that she wanted just a few hours grace, so she could tell the Revolutionaries where a load of her valuable jewels were.

Surely these stupidly expensive jewels would result in her freedom.

So Jeanne spent hours informing the guards of where all her hidden gems were.

After she finished the guards left….and the hairdresser came back to chop off Jeannes hair in preparation for the Guillotine.

This was the Revolution; they weren’t going to play fair. 

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Yeah…not known as the most friendly time in history

When Jeanne boarded the wagon that was to take her and the other doomed nobles to the Guillotine, she was a damn wreck.

The French elite prided themselves on remaining stone faced as they traveled to their deaths. They wouldn’t show a flicker of emotion about their imminent demise.

Jeanne wasn’t playing this game.

Whilst the others in the cart stayed haughtily neutral. Jeanne screamed, wept and begged onlookers to help her.

This unnerved the gathering crowds. Jeanne was the first person they had ever seen show any kind of fear about the whole ‘about to get my head chopped off’ thing. Suddenly this wasn’t such a fun day out…

When the cart arrived at the Guillotine, Jeanne was too scared to get out, having to be bundled onto the scaffold ‘like an animal’.

She continued weeping, wailing to the crowd

‘You are going to hurt me! Why?’

Then she saw the executioner and broke down even more.

Rather than enjoying themselves, as usual, the crowd was clearly deeply unnerved by what was about to happen. This caused the executioner to work faster than usual.

He thrust Jeanne onto the Guillotine. She turned to him crying:

‘one moment more, please monsieur, do not hurt me’

As Jeanne cried for mercy, the blade came down. Madame Du Barry 4

And so ends the tale of Jeanne, more commonly known as, Madame Du Barry. A woman who pulled herself out of poverty and into power. Who lived openly as a sexual being and in doing so felt the wrath of those around her.

Who overcame time after time, only to die at the hands of those she had grown up with.

This was interesting, where do I find out more? It’s weirdly hard to get hold of decent books on Madame Du Barry. A lot seem to have gone out of print/don’t exist in most  book shops/online outlets.

So first, check out your local library and if that leaves you empty handed, I fully suggest checking out the below:

Madame Du Barry, The Wages of Beauty by Joan Haslip 

5 of the baddest bitches to ever live…that you never heard of

History is full of ladies that never get the due they deserve. These ladies very much fit that bill! From freedom fighting piracy to leading samurai armies and even straight up Game of Thrones-esque batshittery, it’s time we celebrated the mark left by these baddest bitches from history:

1. The tank wielding badass: Mariya Vasilyena Oktyabrskaya

When Mariya’s husband was killed fighting in WW2, she did what any grieving widow would…

Sold everything she owned, bought a tank, named it ‘fighting girlfriend’ and set off to kill as many Nazis as humanly possible.

Standard.

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Slightly terrifying…but go get it Mariya

Mariya grew up dirt poor in Crimea at the start of the 20th century. One of 10 children, there was rarely enough food to go around.

Yet Mariya didn’t let this destroy her, instead channeling her hardship into a love of politics and the military.

The fiesty young girl grew up to be a kickass young woman, who didn’t give a shit about gender rules; learning how to drive and shoot.

She married Ilya Oktyabrskaya, an army officer and the love of her life. Though the couple couldn’t have kids, they had each other and that was all Mariya wanted.

Still, when Ilya was called to fight for The Soviet Union in WW2, Mariya happily bid him farewell. After all Russia was being invaded by Germany and needed brave soldiers like Ilya.

And then Mariya got the call that is everyone’s worst nightmare.

Her beloved Ilya was dead. 

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Seriously, can nobody let true love live?!?

Following Ilyas death, Mariya wrote to Stalin:

 

My husband was killed in action defending the motherland. I want revenge on the fascist dogs for his death and for the death of Soviet people tortured by the fascist barbarians. For this purpose, I’ve deposited all my personal savings – 50,000 rubles – to the National Bank in order to build a tank. I kindly ask to name the tank ‘Fighting Girlfriend’ and to send me to the frontline as a driver of said tank.

Stalin, agreed…because, well you would wouldn’t you?!?

Mariya Vasilyevna Oktyabrskaya
I mean look at that steely stare!!

Mariya was made to go through several months of tank training (way more than her male comrades)

It soon became clear that Mariya could drive, shoot and lob grenades like no other. So she was sent to the front line.

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Mariya preps Fighting Girlfriend for combat.

Her first mission in Fighting Girlfriend was to help block German troops route to Moscow.

She nimbly manovered Fighting Girlfriend around the battlefield, destroying several anti tank guns, machine gun nest and enemy soldiers.

Then she was hit!

With Fighting Girlfriend out of action, Mariya was ordered to remain where she was and wait for help…

Obviously she didn’t.

Instead she calmly got out her tank in the middle of a war zone; fixed it, leapt back in and entered the fray once more.

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Yes..this is literal insanity, for the love of christ never try a move this ballsy at home!

Now promoted to Sergeant, Mariya and Fighting Girlfriend continued their steady stream of casual bad assery.

Then in 1944 Fighting Girlfriend was again hit.

As usual, Mariya refused to let this stop her doing her job. She leapt out and starting working on Fighting Girlfriend.

Just then another shell hit.

Even Mariya didn’t stand a chance against a blast like this.

She was taken off the battlefield in a coma, from which she never woke.

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*sob* Mariya and Fighting Girlfriend forever!!!

But Mariya and Fighting Girlfriend lived on. She was honoured with the Soviet Unions highest military honour. To this day she is still remembered in Russia for her bravery and badassey.

 

2. The Samurai Sex Symbol: Tomoe Gozen

Forget everything you think you know about samurais. Because we’re about to blow the doors off these stoic blokes with swords.

You guys…there were female samurais, and they were a level of badass never before seen! (Thanks by the way to @elaanfaun on Twitter, who suggested we check this out!)

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Prepare to get your mind blown with female badassery

From the medieval period onwards, girls from samurai families could be trained up as onna-bugeisha, which roughly translates as:

Warrior Women

They trained in fighting (of course), as well as in maths and science.

These were insanely intelligent ladies who could both lead military strategising and single handedly take down a group of men in hand to hand combat.

One of the most badass of these ladies was Tomoe Gozen.

Known for being both beautiful and ballsy, Tomoe was a 12 century warrior not to be messed with. Tomoe Gozen, painted on silkTomoe had an unparalleled collection of war trophies…which in the 12th century came in the form of the decapitated heads of enemies who had died at your hands.

Tomoe’s pad was full of dead guy heads (which must have been a treat for overnight guests!)

And she wasn’t just killing it at interior design!

See, Tomoe was around during Japan’s, Genpei War (a monumental civil war) and her fighting chops were so good that she was made into a leading commander for one of the armies by its leader, Lord Kiso no Yoshinaka!

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Oh me? Just casually leading a 12 century army, you know, the usual

In 1183, Tomoe led over 1000 men into battle!

Of course she led from the front and of course they won.

Such fears of badassery weren’t unusual for Tomoe.

She regularly led huge forces of men into war; once even leading a force of just 300 samurais into battle against 6000! Emerging as one of only 5 survivors!

Tomoe Gozen painting
Did I not say you shouldn’t mess with her!?

Tomoe’s final battle was a doozy!

With her side emerging the clear victors of the war, it was time to decide who would get to actually lead Japan when all was said and done.

It was a toss up between Tomoe’s boss, Lord Kiso and his cousin Minamoto no Yoritomo.

Of course voting for a leader would be way too logical…so they had their strongest warriors duke it out instead.

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Sure, it makes no political sense, but way more fun to watch than another Trump clusterfuck

Though Tomoe was one fierce fighter, the rest of Lord Kiso’s forces were no match for Minamoto no Yoritomo.

Soon only Tomoe and 5 others were left alive.

Lord Kiso called for his warriors to retreat…but Tomoe wanted to have the last word.

So, she charged into a group of 30 of the enemies best fighters and emerged a few minutes later with the head of the strongest.

Let’s assume it had pride of place in Tomoe’s decapitated head tablescape.

 

3. Jeanne de Clisson – The Lioness Of Brittany

The definition of a woman scorned, Jeanne went from an average medieval noblewoman to one on the warpath.

She dealt with her enemies brutally and soon become Frances most feared force….seriously guys this is some Game of Thrones shit right here!

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Remember that time Cersei killed legit everyone? That…but 100& more.

Jeanne had already been married twice before she married Oliver de Clisson in 1330.

But this marriage wasn’t like the others. See, Jeanne and Oliver actually loved each; a rarity in this era!

The couple had several children and lived in relative bliss, until Oliver was called up to war…and everything went fully tits up. 

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Oh Dani, you have no idea how bad this is about to go

The French and the English, were at war over the dukedom of Brittany. Oliver chose to fight for France; under the leadership of Charles de Blois.

Things were going great…until Oliver was taken prisoner by the English…and Charles de Blois suspected Oliver of losing to the English on purpose.

And so, when England and France eventually called a truce, France decided to celebrate by executing Oliver. 

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Oh..is this not how you celebrate getting on with people?

Jeanne was (understandably) devastated by her husbands celebratory beheading

But Jeanne didn’t want to go off and play the repentant widow. She wanted revenge on everyone who had allowed Oliver’s death.

So she sold everything to buy war supplies and set off to bring down the French nobility, Charles de Blois and even Frances ruler, King Philip.

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Basically

Her first stop was the home of one of Charles de Blois’s pals.

She arrived outside his castle with her children…and a small army of men.

Still – what could a woman do? And so, the gates were opened.

By morning almost everybody in the castle had been massacred. Its contents stolen and only a few wide eyed survivors left to tell of the what they’d witnessed.

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Jeanne de Clisson: she may look sweet but she will straight up kill you

Jeanne fled across the channel with her children, in hopes of using England to fund her revenge spree.

She got her wish; buying three war ships, which Jeanne painted black and hung red sails on.

Then, with a band of pirates, outlaws and supporters, she set out for the channel; attacking any ship with a French flag.

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The worst time in history to be travelling whilst wearing a beret

For 13 years, Jeanne waged war on France via the sea.

It was said that if a French noble was onboard a ship then Jeanne would get an axe and behead them herself; just as she believed, they had allowed her husband to be.

Only a few survivors remained from each ship. Allowed to live so they could return to France and tell of the horrors they’d witnessed

Then just as suddenly she had started her quest for revenge…Jeanne stopped.

She moved to England, where she was gifted lands and wads if cash for so kindly cleaning the channel of the French enemy.

Then she remarried and (weirdly) returned to France…where she peacefully lived out the rest of her days.

 

4. The rebel pioneer: Sophie Morigeau

With one eye, bright green glasses and a ‘not taking any of you’re bullshit’ attitude, Sophie Morigeau took the pioneer world by storm and redefined what it meant to be a woman.

She refused to set up home and let some guy go have her adventures. Instead she broke all the rules and set out to rule her male dominated world.

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Ok, get prepared to start shouting ‘Yes Sophie!’ a whole lot.

Growing up on the Canadian frontier, Sophie was brave, bulshy and able to give as good as she got; she was basically built for having ridiculous pioneer adventures.

 

Sadly, that’s not what nice girls like Sophie did.

Her parents tried everything they could to ‘civilise’ her. Sending off for a good catholic education and teaching her homemaking skills.

At 16 she was married off to guy almost a decade older. He was nice enough, but married life just wasn’t Sophie’s bag.

So she ditched the husband, took back her maiden name and set up a gold mining trade businesses. 

As you do. 

Yes Sophie!!! Gif.gif
All together now: YES SOPHIE!!!

 

 

 

Ditching a husband and running a business solo were unheard of female pursuits in this age. Still, Sophie wasn’t done…she wanted more.

She wanted to grow her business. And the best way to do that was to do what every other entrepreneur with any business sense did at the time; find some good land and claim it.

Except women couldn’t do that.

…but Sophie did anyway.

On this plot of land she almost single handedly built herself a home and a trading post.

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Just casually building a home… solo… from scratch… in an era with no power tools or flatpack – Can I get a: Yes Sophie!!!

With her business thriving, Sophie started opening herself up to male company – obviously no strings attached, after all she wasn’t giving everything up to be a wife again!

 

The community described Sophie’s boyfriends as ‘husbands’…just husbands who obeyed everything Sophie said and got their marching orders when she got bored/tired of them.

There were of course ‘husbands’ who weren’t happy with Sophie having so much independence…

One ‘husband’ who emotionally abused Sophie, mysteriously turned up drowned.

And ‘husband’ no 12 somehow ended up shot after failing to make way for ‘husband’ no 13.

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Ok, badass frontier and all BUT might skip this ‘yes Sophie’…potential spousal murder isn’t really it

Luckily though, Sophie didn’t need men to have fun. As a good pioneer, she had plenty of adventures!

 

On one adventure she lost an eye when hit by a tree branch; thus creating the need for her signature bright green specs.

She also famously got into a dramatic horse and buggy crash, after which she was left lying in the road with one rib sticking out of her stomach.

What did Sophie do? Amputate the rib herself of course!

Then she hung the rib bone in her home, a pink ribbon tied neatly round it (If only Sophie and Tomoe Gozen had lived at the same time! Together they could have owned the most niche interior design business)

Despite her self surgery shenanigans, Sophie lived to a ripe old age, continuing to build her business and live life to the fullest until she was well into her twilight years.

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Yes Sophie!

5. The Pirate Queen: Grace O’Malley

Known as Ireland’s pirate queen, Grace O’Malley was a women you didn’t mess with. She went from innocent little girl to seafaring warrior Queen, battling for her peoples rights and giving two fingers to Queen Elizabeth I.

Grace O'Malley
Modern interp of Grace

Graces’ Dad was an Irish Chieftain; earning cash from both massively overcharging the boats who used the waters that fell under his control and sailing to and from exotic lands (well…Spain)

Sadly for Grace, Daddy O’Malley wasn’t crazy about his baby girl joining him on his pirate filled sea adventures.

It’s said that when she asked to join him on the high seas, her parents lied and said as she was a girl, her hair was too long to sail.

This didn’t stop Grace.

She grabbed a knife, lopped off her locks and rocked up at her Dads ship the next day ready for Pirating 101!

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Not even 4ft and already more badass than me!

Grace turned out to be a natural leader and following her fathers death it was she who took over the family business, not her brothers!

This meant Grace now owned a good chunk of Ireland, had wealth of her own and was a Queen. Nice!

But obviously Grace wasn’t content to stop there.

At 15 she married a famous war hero, who was also heir to the O’Flaherty title and thus due to own an even bigger chunk of Ireland not to mention a ton of cash!

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How can you achieve so much before you’re even legally allowed to drink?!?

Grace and her new husband had 3 children together before he was killed by a rival clan in an ambush.

Unsurprisingly, Grace didn’t slink away a devastated widow.

Instead she took control of his ships and got herself a new lover!

Sadly, Graces new lover was also murdered by a rival clan…so Grace stormed their castle and had them all horrifically killed. As you do.

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Not a normal reaction..but then again Grace isn’t your average lass

By her early twenties, Grace had a sizeable hunk of Ireland, a shit ton of ships and even more supporters.

 

She married again, this time to a guy called Iron Richard, for political reasons (*cough* he was very very rich *cough*)

Grace gave birth to the couples child onboard one of her ships.

Almost immediately after she had given birth, the ship was attackers.

Grace of course led the charge against these merciless attackers; firing a blunderbuss whilst wrapped up in a blanket.

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Again: She defeated an pirate attack immediately after giving birth

Sadly, for all her badass adventures, things weren’t as exciting at home. Graces new husband was all kinds of boring!

 

So a year into their marriage Iron Richard returned home to their castle to find the whole thing locked up.

Grace stuck her head out of the window and shouted down to him:

‘I dismiss you Richard Burke’

Just like that. Marriage over. bye felicia .gifGraces next big challenge came from England. See Queen Elizabeth I was determined to bring the Irish clans under English rule.

Elizabeth used both bribery and force to take power away from Ireland’s leading Chieftens, Princes and Princesses.

Yet Grace managed to keep building her empire up.

Well, at least until Elizabeths governor in Ireland squeezed out much of Graces income, attacked her home and took two of her sons and her half brother as ransom.

Naturally, Grace didn’t back down and instead set sail for England, to demand Elizabeth give back her family and basically calm the fuck down.

Elizabeth 1
Seriously though Liz, back the fuck off

The pair met at Greenwich Palace where Grace refused to curtesy for Elizabeth. After all…they were both Queens.

 

She also refused to remove her dagger and did a massively snotty sneeze into a noble woman’s fine silk handkerchief…which she duly chucked in the nearest fire; shrugging off the courtiers outrage.

With the nicities over, Grace talked finalities with Elizabeth in fluent Latin.

It was decided that Elizabeth’s governor would be removed from Ireland and Graces family freed. In return, Grace had to promise not to join any Irish rebellions.

Grace agreed and set off back to Ireland…where she joined the Irish revolts and went on to live to a ripe old age.

This was interesting! Where can I find out more? I’m glad you asked! I’ve popped some suggestions for further reading on each of our badasses below:

  • Grace O’Malley: Pirate Queen, The Life of Grace O’Malley by Judith Cook. 

Well this is awkward...they aren’t any more books on the others (unless you can read french, then you my friend are in like re. Jeanne De Clisson!) However, Tomoe, Mariya and Jeanne are all including in the below cracking book (along with tons of other amazing women!)

  • Rejected Princesses: Tales of History’s Boldest Heroines, Hellions, and Heretics by Jason Porath 

 

‘Whores’: The sisters that ruled Versailles

As anybody with a sister can attest, there is no relationship in the world that revolves around so much love and so much loathing, as being a sister. Seriously though, its some complicated ish.

And no set of sisters quite embody this weird relationship as the de Mailly sisters.

Growing up in 18th century France, the 5 sisters were beautiful, noble born and all set to become good wives…but they didn’t.

Instead four of the five sisters would all go on to become mistress to the same man: King, Louis XV of France. 

Louise, Pauline, Diane and Marie de Mailly would wield unprecedented power; their lives would be risked, sisterly bonds would be built and broken.

They’d know fame and famine alike, and by the end all but 2 would be dead.

Side note: The middle sister, Hortense, didn’t go into mistress-ing. Valid career choice, but it means that for the reminder of this article we’re gonna wave goodbye to Hortense and focus on the other four.

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Both a fun gif and also kind of a historical mirror! See, The de Mailly were pretty much as famous, divisive and constantly sex shamed as the Kardashians!

Louise

Sweet, witty but very clumsy, Louise was the eldest of the sisters.

Louise De Mailley
Louise de Mailly

She was newly unhappily married to her cousin (yay for the past and its never ending parade of gross marriages) but, Louise dreamed that her life would become more than just a long stream of popping out extremely related babies.

At 19 she got what she wanted…thanks to her mother dying.

Yeah, less than ideal.

Still, as the eldest daughter, it was Louise’s duty to take up her late mother’s role as a lady in waiting to The Queen of France.

And just like that, Louise was shipped off to Versailles.

A mourning teenager dumped into the snakepit that was royal court…it could have gone tits up so easily!

Yet, Louise remained strong. Though her clumsiness meant she was far from elegant, she let her intellect and wit take centre stage; soon enough she was a court favourite!

And wasn’t just the court that was infatuated – Louise had caught the eye of the King.

King Louis XV of France
Meet King Louis XV of both France and blue balls

The King could be as in love with Louise as he liked…she wasn’t biting. Louise had taken her marriage vows seriously and it would take a lot more than a royal crush for her to break them.

This was incredibly unusual; the general rule was that if a King wanted to have sex with you…then like, you should probably start making your way to his bedroom…

But Louise stood her ground and she made Louis work!

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Louise aint gonna get with you for nothing!

It took Louis over a year to even get a kiss…but that kiss opened the floodgates to a whole lot more *wink*

Pretty soon Louise and Louis were official (plus their names match, so it was clearly meant to be) true love.gif

Louis and Louise weren’t a flash in the pan. She was in love and soon she was Louis’s official main mistress.

And as all big sisters know…the minute you get something good, your younger sister is immediately there wanting a piece of it! Enter:

Pauline 

The second eldest of the sisters, Pauline wrote to Louise and begged to be bought to court. As a good big sister, Louise let Pauline come stay…while also probably reminding her not to be embarrassing in front of Louises cool new courtier mates.

Pauline de mailly
Pauline de Mailly

The bright lights of Versailles suited Pauline to a tee. She was loud, funny and the life and soul of the party.

More than this though, Pauline was unashamedly ambitious. So. Naturally she wanted to milk her sisters new position for everything she could get.

And, boy, did she do that!

Just like Louise had done, Pauline quickly caught King Louis’s eye. The difference was, Pauline was happy to pursue the King…

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Thats breaking all kinds of sisterhood codes!

King Louis may have loved Louise (#L+L4ever) but he also reeeeally liked her sister.

It was all kinds of dicky and icky, but the Kings penis wants what it wants.

And so, though Louise got to remain top mistress, Pauline joined the ranks of official mistresses.

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Like I don’t think it counts as incest. BUT STILL

Pauline LOVED her new role and unlike Louise, she used her position as mistress for everything she could.

She created political sway for herself, bagged a rich husband with a title (who’d have to remain cool with her extra-marital duties) and snagged herself countless expensive gifts…including an actual castle!!!!!

Needless to say, the rest of court were somewhat jealous of this new upstart. And a general loathing of Pauline started to assimilate.

But Pauline didn’t care! She had power, riches and to boot she’d just got pregnant with the Kings kid – meaning nothing could topple her…right?

Nope! Turns out giving birth before decent medicine and pain relief was a killer…literally 

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Yep, the likelihood of survival during this era, er…well, its not exactly vegas odds.

Though Pauline delivered a healthy baby boy, she died in child birth.

Both King Louis and Louise were grief-stricken; it was arranged for Pauline’s body to be placed in state, to allow for mourners to pay their respects…but then something truly horrific happened.

A mob broke into the chapel housing Pauline. They wanted to exact punishment on the woman they saw as a ‘whore’ – so they mutilated her body. portrait of paulineLouise was devastated. Her little sister was dead and her body defiled.

She sunk into a pit of despair. Turning to religious rituals as a way of offering penance.

Louise wasn’t the only one mourning Pauline’s death; the political heavy weights were just as bereft.

Without Pauline, there was no woman with the ear of the king who was happy to push political plans.

See, Louise was in love (#L+LAlways) and therefore uninterested in using the man she loved as a step up to securing her own power.

But the politicians weren’t out of luck. There was another de Mailley sister waiting in the wings. And she had Pauline’s ambitious streak:

Marie Anne

The youngest of all the sisters, Marie Anne had a serious case of last born syndrome (i.e she felt she had something to prove) that mixed with her devastating looks, smarts and endless ambition, made her the perfect political mistress.

So she was bought to court with the intention that she would take Pauline’s place.

Marie Anne de Mailly
Marie Anne de Mailly

Slight issue…Marie Anne didn’t want to become the Kings mistress.

She already had a lover and she didn’t want to drop him to become the Kings sloppy seconds (well thirds).

King Louis had other ideas; he was now desperate to bag Marie Anne as his latest conquest…and so he sent her lover off to war (as you do)

Sadly for the King, Marie Anne’s lover came back from war alive, intact and a war hero.

But it wasn’t quite game over!

The king’s friends were desperate to get the King a mistress who would play their political games. So, they arranged for another woman to seduce Marie Anne’s lover.

Then they sent the pairs illicit love letters to Marie Anne, who was understandably heartbroken. So she broke up with her lover and fell into the Kings bed to spite him.

It’s official! French court was more of a bitchy head fuck than high school! 

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For reals though…who the fuck does that?

Despite the dickery that had made her a mistress, Marie Anne refused to be a pawn.

If she was going to a mistress she wanted three things:

1.A more powerful King than the one she had

2.Power and wealth of her own

3.To be the top mistress.

Luckily, one and two were pretty easy.

Marie Anne lent on the King, persuading him to build up his power, go to war and actually join the battle as a true military leader.

In return King Louis gave Marie the title of duchess and a HUGE pension.

But becoming the top mistress would be a little more difficult…after all, the woman in the role was Louise, Marie Anne’s own sister…

And yet…

Marie Anne was resolute she was gonna kick her sister off the top spot. 

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There is literally no way this can end well

Things weren’t looking great for Louise. Since Paulines death, she’d been down and had drifted away from the King.

Yet she was still very much in love with him (#L+LForLife), but faced with her own sister and the kings friends, who were also desperate for her removal, would her love be enough?

What made things even worse for Louise (if that was possible) was that she refused to believe that Marie Anne would be plotting against her, after all, they were sisters.

And, of course, Marie Anne used this against Louise.

She convinced Louise to resign her post as one of the Queens ladies. Which meant that Louise now had no official reason to be at court.

shook
Even for these sisters…that is cold!

Everyday the King was falling more and more for his new squeeze Marie Anne.

He spent his evenings with Louise proclaiming how desperate his was to get off with Marie Anne…which for some reason made Louise burst into tears! (go figure!)

Everyday King Louis grew less and less fond on his old -now very emotional- mistress. In his opinion, the only use she had now, was a way to make Marie happy…by dumping Louises arse.

So he had all of Louise’s furniture removed from her apartments and told her she was to leave Versailles.

Louise didn’t take this well. Falling to her knees and begging to stay…but it was no use.

Louise was out and Marie Anne was in.

But Marie Anne wasn’t taking any chances.

Just to be sure that Louise couldn’t return to her lost love, she ensured that Louise was sent to live out the rest of her days in a convent.

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I mean…THERE ARE LIMITS MARIE!!!

Now top mistress, Marie Anne enjoyed all the influence and power that was at her disposal.

She was in early twenties, a newly minted duchess and rich beyond her wildest dreams; it was time to pay it back. Enter:

Diane

Marie Anne wanted to ensure that her favourite sister, Diane, enjoyed this new regal lifestyle.

So she hooked Diane up with a fancy new husband and a new gig as (you guessed it!) The Kings mistress…with Marie Anne remaining top dog, naturally.

Diane de Mailly
Diane de Mailly

Together, Diane and Marie Anne travelled with King Louis to the battlefield during the war of the Austrian Succession; where on Marie Anne’s advice, King Louis would once more be joining the fray as a true military leader.

What could possibly go wrong?

Yeeeeeah… King Louis fell ill…like horrifying battlefield full of nasty diseases and no sanitation, ill.

literally
Literally!

King Louis was on his deathbed in the middle of a battlefield, surrounded by mistresses.

Things weren’t looking good for his immortal soul.

So King Louis denounced his main mistress Marie Anne and begged repentance for ever having been associated with her. Then he had her sent packing (you know, I’m starting to think this guy might be an ass hat)

Marie Anne and Dianne fled the battlefield.

On the road home, their carriage was met by an angry mob.

These women had put the King’s soul in danger and now they were going to pay!

The mob threw urine and rocks at the sisters. They threatened to lynch them and the pair barely got away.

The ordeal didn’t end there. Marie Anne almost immediately fell ill; she suspected poison.

poison
I mean…there were enough people who’d want her dead

Miraculously King Louis survived his illness! But, Marie Anne would not be so lucky.

She was summoned back to court, but whatever had caused her sickness, had wrecked her immune system.

Almost as soon as Marie Anne had returned to Versailles- she was dead.

With two sisters dead and one locked in a convent…things weren’t exactly peachy for the de Mailley sisters.

Diane managed to survive as a mistress for a few months longer, before King Louis grew tired of her.

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Well, at least King Louis was!

History has been rough on the de Mailly sisters. 

Remembered as wanton whores, or just not remembered at all – I kinda feel like these ladies got the short shrift.

Sure, they aren’t winning any best sister prizes soon (or ever) but they were ambitious, they created power, wealth and forms of independence for themselves.

They had faults (ok, fine, maaaaany faults) but these ladies are way to interesting to be sex-shamed from history!

This was interesting, where can I find out more: There aren’t that many solid non-fiction books on the ladies BUT there is a good historical fiction book.

The Sisters of Versailles by Sally Christie is a fun popcorn read; kinda The Other Boleyn Girl, but in Versailles.

The Batshit and Fantastical Life of Hortense Mancini

From bedding Kings to fleeing countries dressed as a pistol wielding man. Duelling her lovers, drinking, dancing and above all fighting for her independence; the life on Hortense Mancini was to be blunt, fucking insane…so lets get to it:

Born into nobility on the 6th June 1646 in Rome, Hortense Mancini was the fourth of five sisters.

Their Mother a great beauty, their Father an aristocrat who practiced black magic (specialising in necromancy) and their Uncle was Cardinal Mazarin; both Cardinal and Chief Minister to Louis XIV (the real power behind the French throne) – it’s safe to say the sisters had a somewhat eclectic background.

But things didn’t stay nattily rosey for long; in 1650 tragedy struck when Hortense’s Father died suddenly.

Fortunately the situation was far from as black as it could have been and Hortense’s Mother made the canny choice of leaning on Uncle Cardinal Mazarin in the families hour of need.

Uncle Cardinal had a soft spot for his nieces; in particular the wild and witty Hortense and he soon invited them to stay at French Court, where he would see what he could do for the girls.

Cardinal_Mazarin
Cardinal Mazarin

The Mancini sisters took the streets of Paris by storm; very much the 17th century Kardashians; they were olive skinned, beautiful and very scandalous. They even had their own name ‘The Mazarinettes’ (that’s some top 17th century branding there, Kris Jenner would be proud)

With the attention of French society gossip mills focused on The Mazarinettes, it’s hardly surprising that when Uncle Cardinal announced his plans to arrange fabulously powerful and rich marriages for his nieces; the Mazarinettes became hot property.

Now the most eligable prospects in the European marriage market, everyone wanted a piece of Laure, Olympe, Marie, Hortense and Marie Anne.

Marie, Olympe, Hortense
Marie, Olympe and Hortense

The Mazarinettes had their pick of European nobility; Marie even became the lover of Louis XIV! Then Charles ll, party lover extraordinaire and future King of England, rocked up at French court.

Currently in exile from England, Charles quickly fell for fun loving Hortense. The pair seemed like two halves of one hedonistic whole; Charles proposed and promised to make the teenage Hortense England’s Queen (should his exile end…)

But Uncle Cardinal was having none of it. He was not about to set up his favourite niece with a galavanting eccentric Englishman with no fortune and only a title to his name (a title, btw, that was both now worthless and liable to one day get him killed) so Charles was sent packing

Charles ll
When Charles did become King, Uncle Cardinal offered 5 million for Hortense’s hand. Charles declined

Soon the Mancini sisters started to be married off to Princes, Generals and Dukes but Uncle Cardinal wanted something extra special for his favourite niece.

In fact this would be his dying wish and on his deathbed Cardinal Mazarin left Hortense his fortune and finalised her marriage to the richest man in Europe.

At the age of 15 Hortense was now one of Europes wealthiest women.

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-maybe not a totally historically accurate gif interpretation… –

This all sounds great. Until you realise that the richest man in Europe was the literal worst.

Armand-Charles de La Porte, Duc de La Meilleraye
Presenting the incredibly sexy Armand-Charles de la Prote

Hortense’s husband to be, Armand-Charles de La Porte, Duc de La Meilleraye (say that three times fast) was a religious nut, which is bad, but this guy took zealous dickery to a whole new level.

He worried that the sight of milkmaids milking cows would be so lustful and sinful to passing men that he ordered that any milkmaids in his service have thier teeth knocked out, so their smiles would no longer pose the threat of starting some kind of dairy based sexual riot.

what the dick?
Yup, don’t look for the logic here

Upon marrying Armand-Charles de La Porte, Duc de La Meilleraye –from now on just Armand, because I’m not typing that all out again- 15 year old Hortense quickly realised that he was a monumental bell end.

Aside from his zealous nature, he was jealous and prone to angry and violent outbursts. He covered any nude paintings of men in the house so Hortense wouldn’t be tempted by lustful thoughts, burst into her room at night to check for hidden lovers and forced her to spend days praying away her sins.

This wasn’t Hortenses’ style.

If her husband wouldn’t let her be around men then that was fine; she could be flexible.

And so, soon into her marriage Hortense starting seeing another young woman; Sidonie de Courcelles.

Unsurprisingly Armand wasn’t happy when he discovered the affair. And so he packed the two girls off to a Convent.

Yup…That’s right. He sent them away. Far away. Together. This man is a genius.

OBVIOUSLY the girls continued their affair and weren’t overly fussed about their punishment.

They spent their days at the Convent playing pranks on the nuns, pouring ink in the holy water and attempting escape by fleeing up the chimney.

It was basically St Trinians but with more sex and pissed off nuns (actually, how has this not been made into a film?) Soon the nuns had enough and sent the pair back to Armand and the affair fizzled out.

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Fucking fun wrecking Armand

Somehow in their seven years of tumultuous marriage Hortense and Armand had 4 children (no I don’t know either) But the children weren’t enough to keep Hortense tied to Armand.

She decided to leave her husband, which in the 17th century meant that she would lose her children. The price of Hortenses freedom was high, but one she would be willing to pay if it meant escaping Armand for good.

After several foiled attempts (which led to Armand imprisoning her in the family home) Hortense left her husband on 13 June 1668. She rode out the gates on horseback, dressed as a man and quickly fled France for the safety of her sister Marie’s home in Rome.

Sadly Marie’s place wasn’t the safe house Hortense was hoping her; as Marie was deathly afraid her husband was trying to poison her (I’m not saying that Uncle Cardinal was shit at picking spouses but…) so the sisters fled to France where Marie’s former lover Louis XIV announced that both women were now under his protection.

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Marie and Hortense

Things were looking up. Louis XIV gave Hortense a hefty pension, which allowed her the unusual freedom of becoming an independent woman. She set up house in France and transformed her new home into a haven for artists, philosophers and great minds of the time.

Hortense also picked up a lover, The Duke of Savoy , who helped Hortense fight of her husbands many demands for her return.

Sadly all good things must come to an end; the Duke died and Armand finally managed to get his hands on her assets; freezing all her finances (including her pension from Louis XIV) until she agreed to come back to him.

fuck
Fucking Armand! 

But Hortense wasn’t going to back down that easily.

She headed to England; agreeing to work with England’s ambassador to France, Ralph Montagu on his plan to de-seat one of the English Kings mistresses, Louise de Kerouaille.

Thats right, after turning down his proposal, Hortense was now travelling to England to become Charles ll’s new mistress. You can’t deny Hortense had moxy.

Hortense battled treacherous roads, icy weather and a near shipwreck on her journey from France to England. But she refused to give in and return to her husband, set on forging her own path and getting back the independence she had lost in France.

Hortense arrived at English Court in 1675 dressed as a pistol wielding man (naturally) and Charles ll fell for his old love once more; Hortense became a royal mistress.

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You can tell because her boobs out

Her partying, drinking and general debauchery rivalled Charles. Luckily Hortense’s love of sword fighting and horse riding helped ensure this her lifestyle didn’t have too much of an effect on her appearances.

Naturally the other women in Charles life started to grow concerned about Hortense; she could be a real threat to their positions.

But Hortense didn’t want to be like his other mistresses, she wasn’t a Nell Gwynn; she couldn’t dedicate her whole life to Charles. She escaped one man that wanted to rule over her and she sure as shit wasn’t go back there.

Hortense wanted to live as she choose; to drink, dance and take as many lovers as she could!

And so she did.

She lived independently yet remained a mistress. Charles loved Hortense for who she was and so he turned a blind eye to her refusal to call him ‘your majesty’ and made an exception for her long list of lovers; that is until Hortense pushed things too far by sleeping with both Charles and his daughter…

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Not at the same time. But still. 

Anne, Countess of Sussex was Charles daughter with one of his first mistresses, Barbara Castlemaine.

Anne was 15 and unhappily married when she met Hortense (now in her early 30’s) the two became firm friends, which quickly progressed to much more (wink).

The women attempted to keep the affair relatively quiet, but the court rumour mills intrest peaked.

Then things really hit the front page when Hortense and Anne publicly duelled in St James Park, in their nightgowns, with a group of men looking on.

Anne’s husband was furious and she was sent away from court where desperate and lovelorn she took to her bed for days, a miniature of Hortense pressed close to her chest.

Charles ll wasn’t best pleased with Hortense, but with the affair over he cooled down.

…..Until Hortense took on another lover, this one the Prince de Monaco.

Sleeping with his daughter was one thing, but sleeping with another royal was a step too far for Charles. He put a stop to their affair and stripped Hortense of her royal pension for several days.

Thats right, days, I know, I don’t know how she coped either.

crying

Charles and Hortense remained friends. And with her pension back in place Hortense lived more than comfortably in Chelsea, her home once more a salon for artist, poets and great minds.

Then in 1685 Charles ll died suddenly.

Hortense maintained her place at court, remaining good friends with England’s new King, James ll, but with her protector now gone there was nothing stopping Armand from forcing his errant wife home.

And so in 1689 Armand took his case to court. The law was on his side and demanded that Hortense return to Italy and Armand. But she refused.

This time though Hortense’s fighting spirit failed her. With the stress of Armand’s continued efforts to force her back, as well as her years of drinking and gambling starting to take effect, Hortense found herself in spiralling debt.

She maintained her refusal though, retiring to the English countryside, where she died in 1699.

But thats not the end of the Hortense’s story…

Because Armand was still alive. 

That’s right, Armand had plans for Hortense, even in death.

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Yeah, Armand be crazy. 

Armand traveled to England, where he bought Hortense’s body from her creditors.

He then proceeded to take Hortense with him wherever he went, with her body propped up in his carriage.

Because Armand was (and will always be) the literal worst.

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