Anne of Cleves so much more than the ‘ugly’ one

Anne of Cleaves has a historically bad rap, this is in no small part because she will forever be remembered as Henry VIIIs ‘ugly’ wife; ‘the Flanders Mare’. Which seems pretty bullshit:

A) have you seen Henry VIII????

B) why are we still putting a woman’s entire worth on how fuckable Henry VIII found her?

Anne was an incredibly amazing and accomplished woman, she was smart, shrewd and is far and away the wife I’d most like to have a pint with (sorry Anne B)

Seriously though, this bitch is so underrated!

Anne grew up the awkward middle child, both on Europes political stage and at home.

Princess to a small and only occasionally useful duchy, Anne was told that the only thing she would ever achieve was to be a good-ish wife.

Her older sister was a famous beauty who was soon married off, her younger sister was also beautiful and witty, her older brother was an arsehole, but a semi-successful one…and Anne was just there, under the family thumb, getting on with her wife studies and waiting to be told what to do and where to go.

Sadly for Anne, Her family decided the best place for her was on the arm of this ass hat 

Henry VIII was on the hunt for wife number 4. With one wife divorced and essentially exiled, one beheaded and one dead, his dating profile wasn’t great. So it’s unsurprising that Europes princesses weren’t exactly tripping over themselves to marry this obese ageing megalomaniac.

But that wasn’t an issue for Annes family!

Anne and her younger sister had portraits taken and sent to Henry (sort of like ye olde Tinder)

Henry was immediately taken with Annes portrait and the description of her. Sure enough, Anne was picked to be Henrys bride and her passage to England was set.

For her part, Anne was thrilled. Finally she’d get away from her oppressive family and get to live her own life!

Hooray! Anything had to be better than Anne’s family…right……right?

But there were issues. For one, Anne couldn’t actually speak English, which is a bit of a worry when you’re off to go be Queen of England. She also didn’t know anything about music or dancing, which were Henrys favourite past times. Plus she hadn’t actually been raised to be a Queen.

Sure, she was a Princess and yes she’d been raised to be the best darn wife she could be…but she was princess of a tiny duchy and only ever expected to marry a Duke or maybe a low level Prince. Being Queen of one of the worlds biggest powers was a different thing entirely!

But Anne wasn’t a quitter. She spent the long journey to England trying to pick up the language and customs and learned games that Henry liked. She was aiming to wow!

And then she got there….

Henry was both a tyrant and a romantic, a combination that basically guarantees dickery.

True to dick form, he decided to don a disguise to meet his new bride, sure that their love would be so strong, she would immediately see through the rouse and leap into his arms.

Obviously this didn’t happen…

Instead Anne patiently ignored the overweight sweaty man as he pawed at her and tried to get her attention. She was waiting to meet the King and neither wanted to engage with or offend this new unwanted admirer.

And then the guy kissed her and Anne stepped back in shock. Because, well you would. This was too much for Henry. He threw off his disguise and stormed out the room, leaving a confused Anne in his wake.

The damage was done, the marriage was in ruins before it even began.

yeah…so not exactly ideal…

Still though, the Henry and Anne had to tie knot! The wedding was set, Henry well versed in what to do and well…it would have been embarrassing not to.

So in 1540 Anne and Henry were married.

But the pair didn’t consummate the union.

Rumours soon spread that Anne didn’t actually know what sex was. She told her ladies that she had ‘laid’ with the King and thought she might be pregnant – despite openly acknowledging that the two had just kissed.

This is where the question comes in:

Was Anne smart or just super naive?

Look, cards on the table – yes it is likely that Anne wasn’t, er…as well versed in sexual conduct as she should have been.

She came from a strict and religious upbringing and it is very likely that her mum neglected to tell her about the birds and the bees as much as she should have done, especially considering her daughter was being shipped off to go make babies.

This aside though, I reckon Anne was pretty bloody on it!

Anne knew that her marriage was heading for the rocks. She understood that this was a very dangerous situation and that if not careful she would possibly be dead or ruined in a few months time.

So Anne played the game. She learnt from past players mistakes (she wouldn’t argue back or push for reform and change like Anne B and Catherine. Though she shared a lot of their personality traits (determined, spirited and vocal) Anne worked hard to play this down for the volatile King Henry.

portrait possibly of Anne of Cleves

During her short reign as Queen, Anne of Cleves implemented no major changes.

This will be the only time I ever say this, but…doing absolutely nothing was the best thing she could have done!

Being docile and impassive guaranteed her survival. Perhaps that’s not making any inspirational posters, but it’s true and it worked…

Remember kids, don’t do anything and you probably won’t get beheaded!

That’s not to say Anne didn’t occasionally show her true self. Once when discussing Henrys daughter Mary and her marriage prospects, Anne was (gasp) open and frank in her opinions.

This didn’t go down well and soon Henry was loudly complaining about Anne’s stubborn and wilful nature.

After this incident Anne made sure to double down on her docile rouse and soon She looked on track to escape this marriage with her head. Win! But that wasn’t the only thing she wanted.

Anne wanted independence

Anne hadn’t known independence before coming to England. She had been strictly under her Mum and brothers control.

She had thought that marrying the King of England would be the shot at independence that she had longed for…but instead she’d become a shadow of herself as she tried to appease a tyrannical super dick.

With this marriage coming to a close, Annes future  was up in the air.

The English court was soon full of gossip, Would Henry find her anouther husband? Would she live the rest of her days as a nun? Perhaps she’d be sent back to her family?

Not on Anne’s watch! She had no intention of once more living under anyone else’s rule.

Anne was determined to finally be an independent woman.

shame on you if you’re not singing along

Though she was expecting it, Anne was still devastated when she was told Henry wanted a divorce. There was a lot on the line and suddenly everything felt very real.

But she quickly regained composure and determined to not repeat Catherine of Aragons mistakes, Anne complied with all of Henrys wishes.

However she was resolute on staying in England. She had started to realise the full level of her disgrace should she return to Cleves and genuinely feared that her brother may kill her in retaliation for her failure as a wife.

Shit was very real and time was running out.

Henry demanded Anne send him her written agreement to his offer of a divorce. But Anne needed more time to think and make sure she was completely safe…so she refused Henry Vlll. Steadfast that she would only speak to the King in person.

This is either really smart or reeeeeeally dumb

It was a big gamble, but it paid off. The marriage was annulled (saving Anne from divorce and offering her a little bit of dignity) she also received a generous lifelong yearly pension and the new title of ‘Kings Sister’; her status at English court would be higher than any other lady.

With her place in English court locked down, Anne made one more brave decision.

She decided not to get married.

This was – to put it mildly – a fucking ballsy move.

In Tudor England an unmarried woman was a cause for pity, a divorced and unmarried woman was a cause for pity, scorn and a side of ‘what’s her problem?’

But Anne didn’t care what anyone thought, she wanted her independence. So she ignored the whispers and wore her new title of ‘kings sister’ with humor and grace.

She visited court regularly and became a popular and beloved figure. She was given land and property, where she set up a home for herself and spent the next 17 years living the life she chose.

Finally, Anne was free. 

This was really interesting, how can I find out more? Now, I’ve never found a book on Anne that truly digs deep and does her the historic justice she deserves. But I live in hope, Josephine Wilkinson did an incredible -and waaaay overdue – book on Katherine Howard last year, so maybe one day we’ll get the Anne C book of our dreams.

Until that day, I’d suggest reading Six Wives by Alison Weir. It’s a great place to start getting more in depth looks at all of Henry Vllls wives.

 

Jane Boleyn: History’s biggest bitch?

Jane Boleyn was a bitch – or so history tells us

Centuries on from her execution she remains one of the most vilified figures in history. Opinion of her can be pretty much summarised by Historian C Coote:

‘The infamous lady Rochford… justly deserved her fate for the concern which she had in bringing Anne Boleyn, as well as her own husband, to the block.’

Aww remember the good old days when historians could openly celebrate the brutal execution of people…

Cootes opinion isn’t a one off. You see, Jane is famed with bringing about the downfall and eventual execution of her husband George Boleyn and his sister, Anne Boleyn. With Jane giving false evidence which led to Anne, George and 4 other courtiers execution.

And it’s not only that! Just a few years later Jane would be embroiled in yet another royal scandal; aiding and abating the treasonous affair between Thomas Culpepper and Henry Vllls young wife, Katherine Howard. This was a scandal Jane couldn’t survive and she, Culpepper and Howard all met with the executioners axe.

It’s all this that had made Jane Boyleyn history’s favourite conniving bitch.

But is that right? Does Jane deserve to be vilified by history? As historic research keeps getting better, we’re seeing more and more cracks in what we know about Jane Boleyn. What was once hard fact is starting to look fictitious. Which raises the question – did Jane Boleyn actually do any of the things she has been demonised for?

Let’s find out!

Sketch believed to be Jane Boleyn

Did Jane kill Anne Boleyn?

The most common story tells us that spiteful and jealous, Jane gave false evidence that sealed the fates of Anne Boleyn, George Boleyn and 4 other unfortunate courtiers.

Jane told the court that Anne was having affairs all over the place…even with her brother. This effectively nailed down 6 people’s coffins.

Woah, hold up with the hate – let’s dive into the evidence!

Here’s the thing: the facts on this one are pretty bloody shaky at best! There’s little surviving evidence in both sides of the argument.

Which makes working out if Jane did effectively kill 6 people, detective work to the extreme.

Seriously, its like putting together a jigsaw thats on fire.  

Here’s what we know:

We know that several of Anne’s ladies were asked to give evidence at her trial. To refuse was not an option (unless you fancied joining the rest of your pals at the execution block) Jane was part of this number.

We also know that during the trial one of these ladies gave false evidence that Anne and George had a more than platonic relationship. But no name is given as to who this woman was.

In the account of Imperial Ambassador Chapuys, the only description of the woman is this:

‘That person’

Super helpful Chaps!

But don’t worry, at his trial George Boleyn mentions the woman who sealed his fate, so maybe theres something useful there:

‘On the evidence of only one woman you are willing to believe this great evil of me’

‘Woman’ ….yeah not that helpful either George.

See what I mean, the evidence isn’t top notch thus far!

So, left without a name or a description, how the hell can we possibly work out who gave this evidence?

Well we can hazard a guess at who would have been most likely to be privy to this kind of information.

On that level, it’s not looking great for Jane.

As sister in law and confidant she would be best placed to hear of/witness an affair – but remember the evidence is false – so the question is this: though Janes neck is quite literally on the line here, would she lie to this extent when:

She has the most to lose

The families of people convicted of treason didn’t tend to live out the rest of their days skipping through a field of daisies.

Yes, execution really was the worst punishment. But the potent decades of shame, poverty and even prison that the families of the accused had in store was also pretty shitty.

With her husband and sister in law convicted of treason in such a scandalous way, Jane stood to lose a lot.

The Boleyns high position of power, their titles and lands all disappeared overnight and as she and George hadn’t popped out a son she wasn’t entitled to his fortune.

Jane did get to keep her title (Viscountess Rochford) but without a place at court, lands or a fortune it was kind of useless.

Yup being married to a convicted traitor sucked!  

It should also be noted that Jane wrote to George when he was awaiting his execution. And his reply didn’t contain the words:

‘Fuck you bitch, I’m totally going to die because of you’

In fact his reply was nice, which suggests he didn’t blame Jane for his death.

George and Anne’s Dad also appears to have been in the same camp; arranging a yearly small pension for Jane.

Armed with this pension, Jane convinced Thomas Cromwell – the Kings right hand man and key player in the Boleyn downfall – to offer her financial and social support. With this in place, she returned to court and started to try and claw her way back into a good position.

Her hard work paid off and Jane served Jane Seymour until Seymours death and then her successor, Anne of Cleeves.

She started to get back in Henry’s good books, performing a role in Seymours funeral and giving evidence to help Henry divorce Anne of Cleeves (because being nice to Henry Vlll involves a lot of deaths, wives and court proceedings.)

But then all Janes hard work turned to shit.

Enter Katherine Howard! 

As she had with the two previous Queens, Jane also served Henrys new young bride, Katherine Howard (who was a relative, through Jane’s marriage to the -deceased- George Boleyn)

Jane quickly become Katherines confidant and soon the two women became embroiled in a secret so great that it would end both their lives.

The story goes that Jane and Katherine worked together to hide the new Queens relationship with one Thomas Culpepper. A favourite of the King and Katherine’s cousin. with Jane acting as secret keeper and go between.

But the relationship didn’t stay in the shadows for long. Katherine and Culpepper were caught and accused of adultery. Soon they, along with Jane, were sent to the Tower of London to await their fate.

Yeah, Jane has literally 0 luck

Now, hiding a Queens affair seems like a monumental fuck up on Janes part and hardly fits in with the behavior of someone trying to regain the Kings favour and move on from their scandalous past.

But as with everything in this story – it’s not that simple!

We’ve previously discussed Katherine and how new evidence suggests that her affair with Culpepper was less affair and more abuse and blackmail dickery.

To summarise: Katherine had a hidden past of sexual abuse; a past that would put her marriage at risk if Henry ever discovered it. It’s likely that Culpepper discovered this and was blackmailing Katherine (for sex, for power, etc.)

Culpepper was not a nice guy, he was a known rapist and murderer and volatile as fuck. Basically not someone you want to be around.

So maybe Jane got involved in the situation because she wanted to gain the trust of the new Queen, maybe she just felt bad and wanted to help. whatever it was that led her to make that choice, once Culpepper knew of Janes involvement it would have been near impossible for her to back out.

Yup as always with Jane, it’s a monumentally shitty situation! 

Personally I think this really puts pay to the picture of Jane as a master manipulator.

Jane entered an obviously dangerous situation, where the gains in no way outweighed the risks.

Unless Jane just lived for the drama, it seems very unlikely that she got involved due to a machiavellian lust for power and more likely that she made one bad decision and the situation spiraled beyond anyone’s control.

Either way Jane ended up in The Tower of London facing execution and under this intense stress she had a severe mental breakdown.

Or did she? Because one theory that has followed Jane through history is this:

Jane Boleyn faked madness to avoid execution

Stay with me here

This really fits the cunning bitch narrative, but yet again, is based around literally no evidence.

We do know that Jane had a full on breakdown in the Tower. Completely breaking away from reality, everyone around her became deeply worried about what was going on with her mental health. From the guards to her family; they all agreed that Jane was very unwell.

However there’s no evidence that suggests this entire mental break was a cunning rouse.

Jane was eventually removed from the Tower of London and cared for by members of the court in their home.

However Henry wasn’t letting her off that easily! It was against the law at the time for a person suffering ‘madness’ to be executed. But that wasn’t going to stop Henry ‘I invented a religion for a divorce’ Vlll.

Henry Vlll changed the law just so Jane Boleyn could be executed – I mean, I guess you have to give Henry props for determination.

And so on 13^th February 1542, Jane Boleyn was beheaded inside the Tower of London alongside Katherine Howard.

As with her life, Jane’s execution managed to create it’s own mythology, with Jane tearfully apologising for her role in the deaths of Anne and George Boleyn (she didn’t and yet again, there is no evidence that she did)

Wow this was really interesting where can I find out more? I would suggest checking out Julia Foxes book ‘The True Story of The Infamous Lady Rochford.’ It’s a great deep dive and has a good pace.