Carol Cleveland: The Female Python

Carol Cleveland is a face you’ll recognise if you’re a British comedy fan. She’s been in SO many comedy shows and sketches throughout her career including Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

Carol!!! We are not worthy!

Born in 1945, Carol caught the performance bug at a very young age. After all both her parents were actors and so from the age of just 2, Carol was out booking modelling gigs (because hey, 2 is a totally normal age to be earning living)

Carol’s parents divorced when she was 4 and her Mum got together a dashing US serviceman  named Cleve, which led to the family upping sticks and moving to the USA, where Carol grew up around various Military bases.

Acting! Emotion!

In 1960 Carol and her family moved back to London and Carol immediately signed up to prestigious drama school RADA (The Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts).

Now guys, Carol was at RADA at an AMAZING time!

Her first boyfriend was fellow student Ian McShane, who’s best mate just happened to be John Hurt. She was best mates with Lynda La Plante (Who created the EXCEPTIONAL TV series Prime suspect) and shared a stage with Antony Hopkins and the mighty beardy bellowing Brian Blessed.

We imagine this was most of RADA…

After graduating Carol started treading the boards and appearing in some well-loved cult TV series like The Avengers (no not those ones, the Brit TV series ), The Saint, The Persuaders and Randall & Hopkirk (Deceased).

During her actors ‘resting period’ (AKA when she was  out of work) Carol auditioned to be a Playboy Bunny for the new club in London. She landed the  job and worked under the name Didi in the club based in London during its grand opening in 1966.

BUNNY CAROL!

By 1967 Carol was getting movie gigs. She snagged a bit part in the last film ever directed by Charlie Chaplin, The Countess from Hong Kong which also starred Marlon Brando and Sofia Loren.

After that brush with stardom, Carol landed yet another  bit part as a glamour girl in Salt & Pepper, a Dean Martin and Sammy Davis Jr film about two lads who open a Playboy Bunny style club (in it she gets to be a called a ‘Pepperette’ which is possibly the saddest faux sexy name ever created)

The Glamour Stooge

By the late 60’s Carol’s career started to veer towards comedy. She’d been wasted as a disposal glamour-puss, but now her skills as a seriously funny lady had a chance to shine, thanks to roles in stupidly popular British programmes The Two Ronnie’s and With Morecambe & Wise.

Carol then  worked with comedy legend Spike Milligan on his TV sketch show, Spike referred to Carol as a ‘funny dolly bird’ *rolls eyes* ;after that Carol coined her own name, referring to herself as a ‘Glamour Stooge’

We do too.

As a result of her growing comedy chops she was hired by director John Howard Davies to appear in 4 episodes of this new sketch show he was directing called Monty Python’s Flying Circus (you might have heard of it…)

Carol turned up for her first day shooting without much thought about what she was walking into. She was totally bewildered by the script, especially as most of the sketches tended to have 0 punchlines or even proper endings!

After her first read through Carol called her Mum and told her;

“You know… I’m not sure this will last more than 5 episodes”

Yeah….Carol got that one wrong. Monty Python would become one of the most popular and beloved comedy shows EVER.

One of her first sketches is a fave of mine; the Marriage Guidance Counsellor sketch. The set up is simple, Carol and her hubby (played by Michael Palin) go to see Eric Idle’s marriage guidance counsellor, and by the end of it Carol’s getting off with Eric Idle behind a screen and they tell Mike to piss off.

The cast LOVED her giggle, and the fact that she was up for doing anything. Carol’s contract for the show wasn’t renewed, but the Python boys demanded she be kept on.

They started writing more parts for her. Though they all admitted they weren’t great at writing roles for women, and they played most of the women’s roles themselves.

No one does eye candy like Carol!

She appeared in most of the episodes throughout the 4 series (30 out of 45 to be exact) and she appears in EVERY Monty Python film. She plays a 19 year old virgin in Monty Python & The Holy Grail with Terry Jones teasing her that this must be her most ‘difficult role to date’

She was also brought in for various Monty Python Live shows too. Starting with Monty Python’s First Farewell Tour in 1973.

After some more touring Carol was invited back again to do Monty Python at The Hollywood Bowl in 1980. She was getting ready to go for a swim when she got the call, and she was so excited that she forgot to put on her bathing costume and walked out to the public pool stark naked.

We’ve all been there!

Recently Carol’s been on cult comedy smash Toast of London, playing a US talent agent, AND in 2014 she reunited with all the living Pythons for a live show of some of their mot well loved sketches. We saw it twice, she was THE BEST.

Carol is still working today and says regularly that the only way she’ll stop being in showbiz is if she dies.

I’m so grateful for Carol, she was such an inspiration when I was growing up. She showed the world you can be both pretty AND funny. She held her own in a sea of strong personalities and made her mark on comedy in a fun and sexy way.

WE LOVE YOU CAROL!

That was interesting, where can I find out more? Well Carol has her own hilarious autobiography out PomPoms Up!: From Puberty to Pythons and Beyond. It is hilarious, and she’s had an amazing career so there’s some wonderful anecdotes in it!

Sara Westrop is passionate about making history accessible (and fun!) for everyone. A disabled, queer writer from just outside London, who loves writing about the unsung chapters of history.

Creepy Christmas Folklore

It’s Christmaaaaaaaas! Time for presents, stuffing your face and hugging family…

BOLLOCKS TO THAT

We’re going to  show you why Christmas is one of the creepiest times of the year (with the weirdest Christmas lore from across the globe.

Krampus

The Krampus gets more recognisable every year, his PR team are working magic.

This demonic fucker-up of tiny children is a Germanic folklore (i.e the most fucked up folklore-IT’S FANTASTIC) Krampy is also one of the oldest on the list!

Shitting kids up since ancient times! Via Giphy

So the legend goes that old Kramps kidnaps and then gorily devours children who’ve been naughty that year.

Festive images of The Krampus ripping up kids have been around for hundreds of years. What a lovely tradition.

Krampus himself looks like the lovechild of Satan and a demonic billy goat.

Think gnarled horns, hooves and a face only a mother could live… If the mother was blind, deaf and had no sense of smell.

So very festive! Makes me feel all warm inside.

In Schlanders (a Germanic city in Italy) it’s still tradition for grown ups to dress as Krampus on Christmas Eve and run around scaring the shit out of children… sign me up please!

After scarring children for life they enjoy a lovely glass of Schnapps by the fire.

Grýla

The first of some terrifying Icelandic legends, this evil mountain witch has a similar M.O as most Christmas creepies, in that she likes to punish naughty children.

She is an Icelandic giantess with hooves, a wrinkled face and 13 tails.

Damn sneaky kids…

She comes down from the mountains on Christmas eve and kidnaps all the naughty children, taking them back to her home in a giant sack.

Then boils them alive in a stew, which sustains her till the next year.

Tasty AND efficient, this babe does not fuck around!

She also has an equally horrendous extended family!

You’ll meet her sons later in this list, but Grýla also had three husbands… who she murdered because they were shites and they bored her.

PREACH ELVIRA! Via Giphy

 

Jólakötturinn: The Yule Cat

Cats are dicks. Fact.

This is the biggest dick cat of all: A CAPITALIST LOVING MOGGY NIGHTMARE.

They eat poor children… just poor children.

Now most of us can’t say Jólakötturinn so we just call this bastard ,the Yule Cat, which feels very misleading since their entire thing is slaughtering poor folk.

Capitalist Cat Dick

Lemmie explain: Christmas is a time to celebrate by buying fancy new duds, splurging on a spiffy hat or a shiny new pair of shoes…and if you don’t, this cat will use its particular set of skills to hunt you down and kill you along with your entire family.

SO FUCKING FEEL GOOD! Via Giphy

Basically this Icelandic folklore was meant to inspire poorer people to work harder during the winter months so they could afford new garments for their family. CAPITALISM FOLKS!

13 Yule Lads

LADS LADS LADS! These guys are the pinnacle of unwanted Christmas guests.

If you thought creepy Uncle Alan was bad then wait till you meet these guys.

These are the spawn of Gryla, y’know the mountain witch!

Meet her asshole children, they’re basically the seven dwarves shit-head cousins.

LADS LADS LADS!

These guys don’t have the catchy names of Doc, Sleepy and Sneezy, but they are… descriptive, featuring; Spoon-Licker, Sausage-Swiper, Pan-Scraper, Door-Slammer, Window-Peeper (WTF?!), Meat-Hook (My Wrestling name), Gully-Gawk, Stubby, Bowl-Licker, Skyr Gobbler, Doorway-Sniffer and finally Candle-Stealer

Them’s some fucking jazzy names! Get the reference… via Giphy

Firstly they don’t all arrive together, they arrive one day at a time, and you’re stuck with them for 13 days.

They leave some nice prezzies for the kiddlywinks who have been good.

But the bad kids get all their shit fucked up.

Though they don’t murder you, like their dear old Mum does. They kick stuff over and pinch food, just more general oikness

Kallikantzaros

This lovely little Goblin bum nugget comes from Southern European Folklore, jumping out of hiding during the twelve days of Christmas to be a total pain in the arse.

Descriptions of them vary from country to country, but everyone agrees they are ugly as hell and causers of lots of mischief.

What a handsome chap! Via Wikipedia

To keep them away during the 12 days people would light a fire to ward them off or leave a colander outside.

The colander is out there because the Kallikantzaros can’t resist counting stuff apparently… also if they say the number 3 out loud THEY WILL BLOW UP because it’s a holy number.

Standard.

Via Giphy

Happy Holidays y’all!

Sara Westrop is passionate about making history accessible (and fun!) for everyone. A disabled, queer writer from just outside London, who loves writing about the unsung chapters of history.

Moms Mabley: The Dirty Granny of Stand Up

Moms Mabley was…to be blunt: a god damn American Institution. Gay, black and all kinds of political she was smashing boundaries left and right.

Born Loretta Mary Aiken on May 1894, Mobs Mabley would become the first African American female stand up who crossed over to mainstream audiences AND she was an out and proud lesbian.

Seriously, she and her story are amazing and I am ridiculously excited to tell you guys all about it! 

The Gorgeous Jackie ‘Moms’ Mabley

Now the start of Moms life reads like the worst Shakespearean tragedy; it’s truly FUCKING HORRENDOUS!

She was born in North Carolina to two loving parents; James Aiken, a business savvy man with fingers in many pies and her Mum, Mary Smith, a hardworking, badass matriarch.

Her Dad died in 1909 while working as a volunteer fireman. After he was caught up in an explosion when their fire engine caught fire.

Moms was just 15.

Her Mum stepped up and took over running the family’s general store,…until 1910, when whilst coming home from church on CHRISTMAS DAY she was run over by a truck and killed

Bad right? Gets worse! 

Moms also had two illegitimate children who were born out of rape.

One of the children was fathered by a white town sheriff who raped Moms.

Both children were given up for adoption… old timey men are awful.

Ok…now all that horrible stuff is out the way lets look forward to the birth of a hilarious stand up QUEEN!

When Loretta was 14 her awesome Gran convinced her to run away and join a travelling vaudeville show, and it was here she started working as a stand up.

She quickly become one of the most popular acts in the Theatre Owners Booking Association Circuit (also known as the Tough on Black Asses circuit) and was soon traveling all over America developing her talent.

At the age of 27 Loretta came out as a Lesbian, a massive deal at the time because most people didn’t even know what a lesbian was, and TBH gay rights was not a thing.

Then add being black during the great depression into that mix?

Girl was a fucking trailblazer.

Loretta’s humour was downright filthy and she was DECADES ahead of her time, with her acts landing more in the ‘CAN SHE REALLY SAY THAT?!’ category.

She talked about racism, sexism, queerness… nothing was off limits.

Her early acts in the 20s and 30s featured her talking about living as a black lesbian in the USA.

Sadly she didn’t record anything during this time so we’ve just got testimonials from people who knew her. (which is a downright shame as that ish sounds amazing!)

The birth of ‘Jackie Moms Mabley’

The character of Jackie ‘Moms’ Mabley was developed early in her career. The dirty talking old lady with a penchant for younger men was based on her much loved Grandmother.

Loretta portrayed Moms while being a younger lady, by hiding behind huge floral dresses, bad grey wigs and big floppy hats.

She struck gold with Moms! Audiences LOVED this dirty granny, which meant she could get away with using blue language and chatting about all sorts… cause she’s just a harmless old lady right?

The OG Dirty Granny. 

Also as if that wasn’t great enough Loretta got the nickname Moms from fellow performers because she was such a loving and friendly lady.

Here’s some of our fave Moms one liners.

• “Only time you see me with my arms around some old man… I’m holding him for the police.”
• “My husband was so ugly, he used to stand outside the doctor’s office and make people sick.”
• “There ain’t nothin’ an old man can do for me but bring me a message from a young one… I’d rather pay a young man’s fare to California than tell an old man the distance.”
• “It’s no disgrace to be old. But damn if it isn’t inconvenient.”

All the lolz 😂

Moms gained popularity with mainstream audiences in the 1960s when her career took off in television.

She appeared on The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour and later The Ed Sullivan Show and also appeared in a handful of films throughout her career.

Her last starring role was in Amazing Grace, which she completed AFTER having a heart attack!!!

My face when learning that… She’s badass

Moms finally started recording comedy shows during the 1960s and completed around 20 in her lifetime.

They are all hilarious and you should listen to clips of them on YouTube. We recommend her bra shopping joke.

Moms paved the way for future generations of stand up, her influence was far reaching even though she didn’t get the recognition she deserved during her lifetime.

She was the first popular female stand up EVER! so every self-identifying female comedian owes her a serious debt of gratitude. She showed the world that women are fucking hilarious.

That was great, where can I learn more? Whoopi Goldberg also produced a cracking documentary on Loretta in 2014 Whoopi Goldberg Presents Moms Mabley

Sara Westrop is passionate about making history accessible (and fun!) for everyone. A disabled, queer writer from just outside London, who loves writing about the unsung chapters of history.

Britain’s 5 Most Horrifyingly Haunted Places

Talking about haunted places in Britain is a doddle… it’d probably be easier to tell you places that aren’t haunted or have some kind of horrific supernatural story behind it. We’re tripping over ghosts and castles everywhere!

But these 5…. these 5 places are so horrifically haunted that they deserve a special place in the heart of every Halloween loving goth kid.

So. Many. Fucking. Ghosts. Via Giphy

Hampton Court Palace

This place has hella ghosts. Like so many that we could probably do a post just on Hampton Court… but we have a word count to keep to (and other haunted spots to visit) so we’ll touch base with just some of their more famous spooks.

The ghosts of Catherine Howard AND Jane Seymour (wives of historical gobshite King Henry VIII) are supposedly busy getting their spook on here.

It is said that Catherine haunts the (rather aptly named) haunted gallery. Catherine supposedly ran down the gallery to beg Henry for mercy; her attempt failed and Henry had her head cut off in 1541. Now Catherine is stuck in some kind of horrifying historic limbo, forever trapped wailing in that corridor.

Yeeeeeah…Henry was a dick! Via Giphy

Henry’s 3rd wive, Jane, also supposedly haunts Hampton Court and can be seen walking through the palace courtyards carrying a lantern. She died at the palace in 1537 giving birth to King Henry VIII’s only male heir, Edward. TBH considering what a shit nozzle Henry was, she got off lightly.

Hampton Court’s most famous ghost though is SKELETOR (not the He Man baddie sadly).

CCTV caught this spook in 2003 after security staff noticed the fire doors near the Clock Court kept being violently flung open and closed again.

CCTV CAUGHT THE IMAGE OF THE GHOST IN A FANCY ROBE!

Skeletor! Via Giphy

One half of F Yeah History even had her own ghostly encounter whilst working there. Whilst in one of the shops, Greensleeves started playing on the shops iPod speaker system (nightmarish enough) but the song wouldn’t stop playing, looping itself on an endless repeat.

Our brave lass unplugged the iPod AND IT STILL KEPT PLAYING GREENSLEEVES! 

Note: The other half of F Yeah History is a ghost non-believer and would like to point out that she reckons the speakers were just broken…but screw that we’re going with GHOSTS 

 

Glasgow Necropolis

Now this super ancient graveyard has the literal name ‘city of the dead’ opened in 1833. The place is seriously crowded, housing over 50,000 souls; so you’re bound to see some weird shit happen round there.

Sightings of ghosts have been spotted since its conception, and locals advise that if you’re going there alone at night you should be respectful and polite, unless you want a ghost boot up the arse.

The John Henry Alexander Monument at Glasgow Necropolis. Via Wikipedia

One of the stranger rumours was that a vampire lurked round this graveyard back in the 1950’s, there were several sightings of a tall sinister looking man in a huge cape who disappeared into thin air if confronted and the vampire was blamed for the disappearance of two local children.

Local kids armed themselves with knives and homemade stakes and patrolled for two nights back in September of 1954.

Local PC Alex Deeprose was called down to make the kiddies dispurse, he was shocked at the sheer number of them and it took weeks for the patrols to stop!

Sadly a bit before her time… via Giphy

Bolsover Castle

One of our faves, Bolsover is chock full of supernatural shenanigans. This site has had reports of spooky sightings, people being pushed about by unseen forces and objects moving around between locked doors!

Haunted AF Bolsover Castle. Via Wikipedia

Bolsover was built on an ancient burial ground (recipe for supernatural disaster) and has been around since the 11^th Century, so there’s a bum load of history there and room for plenty of ghosts.

One of the more well-known ghosts is that of a little boy who holds the hand of female visitors when they explore the garden.

They’ve had staff check out after experiencing spooks first hand. Night shift security guards have handed in their notice after seeing lights and hearing voices when checking the site on their own.

Once during some routine maintenance work 4 builders watched a period clad lady walk through a wall near where they were working. Two of them decided ‘fuck this!’ and didn’t come back.

What he said… via Giphy

Note: The other half of F Yeah History would like to note that Bolsover is so supposedly haunted, that its staff have had to start a ghost sightings books, just to keep up with all the creepy shenanigans (apparently, despite not believing in ghosts, the other half of F Yeah History is a know it all…)

Woodchester Mansion

Woodchester Mansion is just a shell of what would have been an impressive gothic mansion, it’s a strange story because the build was suddenly abandoned in the 1870s and no one ever finished off the work, so it’s stood there for over a hundred years.

Looks quite nice in the daytime! Via Wikipedia

There were rumours one of the workers was murdered on site, and his ghost haunted remaining builders there who downed tools and promptly fucked off… the likelihood is that the money for the build just ran out.

From there its history reads like a series of American Horror story!

During the Second World War the grounds of the house were used for D-Day training and one day a fatal accident took place when a bridge over the lake collapsed and soldiers performing a drill were drowned.

Their bodies were taken back to the house and their ghosts still haunt the ruins; visitors claim to have seen men in uniform wandering through the house.

😱 via Giphy

The house itself is said to house a bunch of seriously nasty ghosties. Before it was turned into a gothic shell it was the site of a few other fancy houses so the site has collected all the ghosts from previous incarnations.

There’s a ghost monk in the chapel, a mean old lady ghost who grabs at people in the dark and the ghost of a small girl who likes to trip people up (so all nice people)

It’s been featured in loads of ghost hunter TV shows like Most Haunted and Ghost Hunters International so if you want to get in on the action book yourself in for a ghost hunt there. They do them all the fecking time!

 

Bleeding Heart Yard

This one is proper creepy. Legend has it that Lady Elizabeth Hatton a beautiful Tudor socialite was brutally murdered in the yard.

She was found torn limb from limb and her still beating heart was left in the road found by a (probably) really fecking traumatised passer-by.

People have reported hearing a loud beating sound like, y’know…. a heartbeat, when in the yard, others have seen a mournful looking woman said to be the ghost of Elizabeth looking for her still beating heart.

Depending on the legend she was either murdered by her lover, a penniless dancer, who was jealous of her attention from rich fancy men or it was the devil himself who killed her. Not much difference between those two really.

Now it houses a super fancy bistro (their eggs Royale is the tits), but we used to work near there and neither of us would walk down the yard at night. It is creepy as fuck.

We hope you enjoyed our countdown, if you fancy visiting for yourself there’s ghost tours round most of these ones that go on year round. Bolsover even has its own FrightFest this October celebrating all their ghosties!

Sara Westrop is passionate about making history accessible (and fun!) for everyone. A disabled, queer writer from just outside London, who loves writing about the unsung chapters of history.

The Lore of Murderous Mermaids

Society has been obsessed with these fancy fish ladies for thousands of years, and we’re going to look at some of the legends that gave birth to these aquatic marvels.

Just incase you haven’t come across The Little Mermaid and its ilk; what is a mermaid? Well, a mermaid is a creature with the top half of a lady and the bottom half of a big ole fish. The modern name for mermaid comes from the old English Mer, meaning sea and Maid, meaning a young lady; thus mermaid (which way sounds better than ‘sea-young lady’)

Lookin’ Good! Via Giphy

Nowadays one thinks of mermaids as pretty, nice sea folk, with amazing hair, a talent for singing and an adorable habit for falling in love with random Princes. Well… that is not the case, Disney lied to you.

Historically mermaids were associated with bad omens, shipwrecks and of course:

DEATH BY MUCH BLOODY VIOLENCE.

So, let’s start things off by looking at the concept of merfolk as deities.

The Ancient Babylonians had a mergod called Era who was depicted as half man, half fish. He was the god of the sea (handy that being part fish and all) the Syrians decided to copy the Babylonians and created their own merged, Derketo. 

Derketo was depicted in the more traditional way of top half of a lady and bottom half of a fish. This idea was in turn nicked by the Ancient Greeks, who came up with the idea of Sirens. 

Siren’s in Greek mythology often get cited as a starting point for the more recognisable mermaid mythology.

Half female, half bird creatures, they morphed into sexy fish fancies, luring sailors to their death on the rocks by singing sweet songs and flashing their knockers.

The Fisherman and the Syren, by Frederic Leighton, c. 1856–1858. Via Wikipedia

Now for the scary bleak stuff!!! Mermaids ain’t all cuddly folks, for example; they appear in One Thousand and One Nights (a collection of Middle Eastern fairy tales) and are described as having;

‘moon faces and hair like a woman’s, but their hands and feet were in their bellies and they had tails like fishes’

Nice!

Some of these tales included whole underwater societies;  in Abdullah the Fisherman and Abdullah the Merman, the protagonist, Abdullah, gains the ability to breathe underwater; in doing so he comes across a mermaid society that basically functions as a proto communist society…so obvs he decides to hang out with a load of half fish commie chicks.

The Japanese also got in on the mermaid fun (just in a fully nightmarish way!); creating Kappa; who had human like faces….with the rest of their body a mix of monkey, fish and turtle.

The Kappa liked tricking humans into becoming their own fish food by pretending to be nice and friendly, maybe invite you to play some Sudoku, followed by ALL OF THE DEATH. They were particularly partial to a nice, crunchy, small child.

OHSHITOHSHITOHSHIT! Via Giphy

But it wasn’t just Japan coming up with half fish nightmare fuel.

Mami Wata is an African water spirit who appears as a sexy lady or the more traditional part lady part fish. It’s said that Mami Wata steals men from their homes forcing them to become her lovers, she can also be responsible for killing those who don’t give her offerings that please her. She likes mirrors and combs FYI if you ever run into her.

The Russians also joined in the ‘what the fuck, why; party…but being Russia they kept their mermaid lore nice and miserable.

Rusalka are the spirits of young women who had violent deaths, usually by drowning. They appear as shimmery spirits in the water and lure men and young children to their deaths dragging them underwater with their long treacherous ghost hair.

Witold Pruszkowski “Rusałki” 1877 Via Wikipedia

But mermaid lore wasn’t just for the ladies! Scotland has a cracking legend about Mermen. The Blue Men of the Minch (AKA storm kelpies) who live off the coast of the Outer Hebrides. They had blue skin and really bad tempers. For a laugh (and general sea boredom) they enjoyed fucking about with humans; they’d stop you In your little fishing boat, ask a bunch of riddles and if you got them wrong, they’d tear you to pieces….literally…because they’re fun like that.

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In Medieval times it was just accepted as fact that mermaids were real, there’s even an account from the 1400’s of a mermaid being rescued in Holland after getting stuck in a dike.

They moved her to a local lake to recover, teaching her how to speak Dutch and do basic household chores to pass the time, the residents later converted her to Catholicism (yay?)

Now most of us Westerners know mermaids because of Disney.

The Little mermaid has a special place in the hearts of many a girl, but on a recent re-watch (for research) I found myself screaming:

‘SHE’S ONLY 16 TRITON, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING LETTING HER MARRY SOME FUCKBOI PRINCE!’

So for me it’s an allegory of really bad parenting.

You’re gunna fuck it all up Ariel. Via Giphy

This was based on the Hans Christian Anderson tale of The Little Mermaid published in 1837.

Hans’ tale is a bit bleaker, because at the end our mermaid doesn’t get her Prince and so, after having her tongue cut out, she dies and becomes foam on the waves. A pretty wanky death. Ah the good old days where everybody was dead or at least maimed by the end of a fairy tale.

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So….with all that historic mermaid lore, the question is: are mermaids real?

Well – No. Historians and anyone with half a brain deciphered that in all likelihood mermaid sightings were just your average curvaceous manatee, being viewed from a distance. Honestly being stuck at sea for months and MONTHS on end would make a manatee look pretty fucking appealing to me to.

Sexy manateeeeeeeeee. Via Giphy

Mermaids have had a bit of a resurgence in the last few years (sadly not manatees though).

They are on your Starbucks mugs, on the big screen (like that live action remake of The Little Mermaid NOBODY asked for), all over glittery stationery, T-Shirts and in story books.

Plus there’s still the odd ‘sighting’ of a mermaid. In Israel in 2009 dozens reported seeing a mermaid leaping out of Haifa Bay and playing around in the waves. The local town offered $1million for proof of the mermaid, but they got bugger all.

There was a more recent one in 2012 Zimbabwe where workers were scared off by mermaids while carrying out maintenance work on reservoirs. The government decided to carry out religious rites on the site and brewed a batch of traditional beer for them. It worked and the boozy mermaids left them to it.

Up for boozin’. Via Giphy

So there you have it, we’ve only lightly touched the tip of the mythos behind mermaids. It’s a pretty complicated backstory, DRENCHED IN THE BLOOD OF MEN, which always makes for a fun family friendly read. Have you got any mermaid lore to tell us? Drop us your mermaid tails (geddit?) in the comments or on the socials!

Sara Westrop is passionate about making history accessible (and fun!) for everyone. A disabled, queer writer from just outside London, who loves writing about the unsung chapters of history.

Hedy Lemarr: the sex symbol that gave us wifi

Hedy Lamarr is a goddess, she was a sultry screen siren who was famous for being one of the first to portray a woman having an ORGASM on-screen! Before the sodding film censorship boards nixed all the fun stuff in the 30’s…

Eat it bitches! Via Giphy

Hedy wasn’t just a Hollywood starlet though, she was also a badass inventor who gave the world frequency hopping which gave us the how-did-we-live-without-it Wi-Fi, GPS and Bluetooth. Honestly I think I’d be dead without them by now, having been eaten by bears after getting lost in IKEA.

Some people (they’re mostly dudes) claim she didn’t really have much of a hand in it and they put her name on the invention patent as she was a well-known celeb. To these people I say;

‘BOLLOCKS YOU CHUFFING BUM BAGS!’

She ain’t bothered. Via Giphy

Hedy was born in Austria in 1914. In the 1920s she was discovered as an actress and worked in the European film industry.

One of her most famous early roles was in Ecstasy (1933) where she portrayed a bored young housewife who gets it on with a big-buff-sexy-worker-man. She appeared nude in the film, but was tricked into doing this by the director (What a fucking surprise). This is also the film where she’s shown having a delightful orgasm on screen.

During her time making these European films, Hedy was trapped in a shitty marriage to an Austrian Arms dealer 15 years her senior.

He was a gross, controlling asshat and you know, A FUCKING NAZI ARMS DEALER, so Hedy decided to ditch the git. Hedy disguised herself as a maid and fled the country running off to Paris where she met Louis B. Meyer, of MGM studios. Louis then whisked her off to become a Hollywood film star.

BYE BITCH! Via Giphy

Hedy lamented only being given roles where she was a sexy, almost mute figure in most of her films; she was getting really really bored. So she decided she’d invent cool stuff on the side.

Hedy was totally self-taught, she’d had no formal training but she did have a brilliant mind and an eye for detail.

She dated the rather eccentric billionaire Howard Hughes for a while and he’d ask her advice when he was building planes. Hedy (being a fucking smart cookie) gave Howard a whole heap of drawings and research which she’d gathered using techniques from birds and told him he should start to go about making his planes more aerodynamic. SMART!

POW! Hitting you with knowledge… and cheekbones! Via Giphy

Her biggest breakthrough idea was based on a torpedo guidance system. You see, during WW2, torpedoes were radio controlled and this created huge problems because the signal could be easily jammed making the torpedo fly off course faster than your drunk Aunty Irene at your cousins wedding.

Hedy (having been married to an arms dealer) had knowledge of how these torpedoes worked AND how they were jammed. So she came up with the idea of frequency hopping to make the signal harder to jam.

This meant that the torpedoes could hit shit more accurately and thus blow up more Nazi’s. HUZZAH!

Hedy then asked her good mate, composer and fellow genius, George Antheil, to help her come up with a machine that could hop between frequencies.

She’s smug because she KNOWS she’s smarter than you. Via Giphy

George made a neat gadget from a tiny self-playing piano mechanism that synched up with radio waves. Each new note = a new radio frequency. Undoubtedly genius! BUT, this nifty gadget is why some argue Hedy gets too much credit for frequency hopping.

I’d disagree. After all Hedy came up with the idea and understood the musicality behind the theory of frequency hopping.

Anyway, Hedy and George both patented the idea in 1942 and gave it to the US navy as part of the war effort. The idea wasn’t immediately picked up by the Navy (dumbasses) and it was left in a pile marked TO DO until 1962 when they finally utilised the system in their fleets.

That’s morse code for ‘ABOUT FUCKING TIME!’ Via Giphy

I cannot express how incredible and important this invention was.

Frequency hoping is the Grandmother of Wi-Fi, Bluetooth and GPS and without it we could not watch amusing videos of cats all day instead of working!

Hedy and George were recognised by the National inventors Hall of Fame in 2014 when they were posthumously inducted. Took their fucking time with that one…

THANK YOU HEDY, WE LOVE YOU!

A truly smart, sassy & sessy lady. Via Giphy

This was really interesting, where can I find out more? I’m glad you asked babes. Richard Rhodes book: Hedy’s Folly: The Life and Breakthrough Inventions of Hedy Lamarr, the Most Beautiful Woman in the World (bit of a fucking mouthful) is a great read if you’re interested in the technical side of things.

Hedy also has a bonkers autobiography called Ecstasy and Me, which is mostly fabricated bollocks from the ghostwriter, but is a great trashy read.

Sara Westrop is passionate about making history accessible (and fun!) for everyone. A disabled, queer writer from just outside London, who loves writing about the unsung chapters of history.

4 hacks to smuggle booze prohibition style

Booze! Who doesn’t love it? Trick question – we all do! But what happens when this universal love suddenly becomes illegal? Well, you drink it anyway…just very craftily.

During the prohibition you could be fined thousands and even thrown in jail if you were caught with alcohol, so smuggling booze became serious business.

And its only slightly very illegal!

Now first step for smuggling alcohol – you need to get alcohol to smuggle.

Whilst some breweries got through prohibition by making ‘near beer’ (anywhere from 2 – 0.5% alcohol) those who kept on making the strong stuff had to go deep underground. Operating in woods or under the guise of farms and other out of the way businesses.

It was vital that these suppliers remained unknown and untraceable for police.

This wasn’t an easy task – keeping entire breweries secret required some James Bond level covert operations! Bar sneaking and guns, we all know that James Bond is nothing without wierd gadgets from Q…with that in mind I present:

Cow Shoes

No these are not lift shoes (a ‘la Tom Cruise) they are in fact designed to make the wearers footprints look like cow hooves.

The idea was that any cops looking to try and trace bootleggers to their supplier would lose them when a persons footprints suddenly turned into a cows….which I guess that was a totally normal occurrence in the 1920s and early 30s, as was cattle going for lone forest jaunts…

I don’t know, I’m not a cow historian *shrug*

Cow shoes weren’t the only method to throw off police. Bootleggers also pimped their rides into supped up cars that were easily able outrun the po po. They even went so far as to build a cross country underwater cable car to outfox the fuzz.

Yep, that’s right:

 A cross country underwater cable car… made of torpedoes

Detroit was a bootleggers dream, mainly because it sat right next to Canada, land of maple, manners and legal alcohol!

But how to transport this booze to the US? A boat could was very visible (therefore very catchable) and swimming it over seemed like a whole deal. So naturally an underwater system was built

From Popular Science, March 1932

Torpedoes were filled with liqueur and then attached to a mile-long underwater cable line, running from Canada to Detroit. Thanks to the quick motor running the cable line, a 1932 edition of Popular Science estimates that around 40 torpedoes worth of hooch were transported to America every hour.

That is an impressive amount of definitely tainted illegal booze

As well as torpedo underwater pipelines, bootleggers also had more, erm…homespun ways of smuggling alcohol:

Stuffing booze in random crap

The imagination of bootleggers was apparently endless. Sadly rather than using this imagination for writing the next great American novel, they funneled their skills into putting alcohol into anything they could get there hands on.

Here are just some of the things Alcohol was smuggled in:

• Eggs
• Tinned ‘food’
• Walking canes
• Bibles
• Tailors dummies
• Christmas trees
• Pig carcasses

I fear Babe may not have made it to the city during prohibition

But no matter how ingenious (or mean to pigs) the smuggle, the bootleggers always got caught…welll…unless they were women.

The riot girls of rum running

For some reason police just didn’t seem to suspect women of smuggling booze and even when they were caught, they were let off really lightly (seriously, one woman’s sentence was actually to attend church each Sunday for 2 years…)

Unsurprisingly some women took advantage of this and made serious coin.

Marie Waite (AKA Spanish Marie) was one of these women. Marie single handedly created an entire convey to move tons of alcohol from Havana to Florida’s Key West. Through her active prohibition years she raked in at least $1 million, which in 1920s money, is some Gatsby-esque shit. 

Marie wasn’t alone. Female bootleggers even created a guide to smuggling booze on ones person. From flasks attached to thighs to full on aprons ladden with whisky bottles, their creativity for creating clothes made of cocktails knew no bounds.

The world of female ‘rum running’ was a really diverse one. This open – yet illegal trade -allowed women from all walks of life to make their fortune, as one journalist put it:

‘Some are bold, brainy and beautiful, some hard-boiled and homely, some white, some black, some brown. (But) All are thorns in the sides of Prohibition’

 

This was interesting, where can i find out more? Well, I really need you guys to help me on this one! I’m struggling to find any really amazing books on women in prohibition, in particular, female rum runners…if you know if any, hit me up in the comments or on our Twitter! 

How brothels built America

Fact: Sex workers helped build America. These women came to the Wild West/The Old West (whatever you want to go with) and smashed every expectation of womanhood.

They became business oligarchs, they built entire communities and forged their own independence.

It’s a one hell of a tale! But before we dive it it, let’s quickly knock out the basics:

How did the West come to be?

Around the mid 1800s there was a huge boom in the amount of land being built in the South West of America. Most of this land was built for mining. As new sources for coal and metal mining were discovered, towns sprung up overnight to house the influx of workers that appeared to mine it.

Suddenly you had entire towns with 1000’s of men and maybe a dozen or so women. Now you don’t have to be good at maths to see that the ratio here is a little off.

Having spotted the er…supply and demand issue, business minded women start arriving in these towns and setting up shop as sex workers.

Soon these women were earning in one day what they might otherwise earn in a week as a factory worker or clerk.

GOOD buisness

There were of course risks….a lot of risks. But in the Old West it was these women were effectively working at the same risk level as a working men had. Communities, rules and laws were still being worked out, which meant that murder, beating and work caused incidents/deaths we’re sadly not rare hazards for any gender or line of work!

Yes the risks were high, BUT the clients were many, the going was good and soon the cash was flowing!

So, women started opening their own brothels. This in turn led to women buying land, companies and eventually building business empires of their own.

The original boss bitches  

Soon entire towns revolved around one damn good brothel.

This wasn’t luck. The ladies running these brothels had business smarts for days. Seriously they could have smashed The Apprentice (and probably Donald Trump too…)

One of the best examples of this is Mattie Silks: 

Mattie Silks: admittedly looking v awkward here

A small town girl, Mattie opened her first brothel at just 19. This made her the youngest madam in America.

She invested her profits back into the business, as well as growing her income and holdings by buying real estate and land.

These buisness smarts meant that in just a few years Mattie was running one of Denvers most popular brothels. Patrons were greeted with luxury surroundings and a full orchestra – because this wasn’t just sex…it was Silk sex, and it was classy AF.

But Mattie didn’t stop at having a leading chain of high end brothels. She paid her staff a salary that made them some of the highest paid women in the country.

Yes Mattie pay it back!! 

OK, so, by now you might be thinking – sure these women created businesses that made them some of the richest women in the country and bought tons of new income to the growing West. But is that really building America? Don’t you need stuff like, schools, hospitals and churches, as well as places to have sexy time?

Why yes.

And they did that too.

These women had made themselves pillars in their communities. They weren’t just there for the money, they wanted to make a difference.

Following the 1906 San Francisco earthquake, Diamond Jessie Hayman, opened her brothel doors to feed, clothe and shelter anyone that needed help. And Diamond Jessie was far from alone!

Here are just a few examples of how America’s sex workers made a difference:

Lou Graham, donated money to build up Seattle’s schools and also saved countless businesses and banks during a period of depression.

Anna Wilson’s will requested that her huge mansion be turned into Omaha’s first emergency hospital.

And former slave turned influential brothel owner, Mary Ellen “Mammy” Pleasant, campaigned tirelessly for the de-segregation of streetcars in San Francisco.

These women were doing way more for their communities than just providing cash and a good time. They were building them up, and turning them for shit holes to sustainable home steads!

Mary Ellen Pleasant

And you best believe these communities didn’t forget the women that helped make them!

In 1890, Wyoming refused to become a US state, if it’s women were not allowed to keep the vote (which they had been granted in 1869) saying:

‘We will remain out of the Union one hundred years rather than come in without the women’ 

Yes Wyoming!!! 

This was really interesting where can I find out more? I’d suggest checking out A Renegade History of the United States, by Thaddeus Russell (great name!), it has an amazing section on this.