Put on your theory cap, as we explore the reasons why Henry VIII might have been a tyrant.
It’s a question as old as time – ‘Why was Henry VIII such a dick?!’
Well, we’re looking to find out! Join us for an exploration into how new neurological research could explain why Henry VIII was a tyrant (and massive dick)
The third of Henry VIII’s wives, Jane Seymour, is mainly remembered as the one that Henry liked the most (which is kind of damning, with faint praise) and erm… that’s kind of it.
She’s sort of seen as the wet flannel of his wives. Nice and mainly inoffensive, but… well, she had a reputation as boring.
BUT that couldn’t be more wrong, you see:
Jane Seymour was a wily mother fucker. And I mean that in the best way possible!
So before we get cracking, lets have a quick recap on the life of Jane Seymour (if you want to skip this bit, just scroll down till the break and we’ll see you there! 👋)
Most likely born in 1508, Jane was one of several children born to high up Tudor Courtiers, Margery Wentworth and Sir John Seymour.
Jane’s main role in life was to marry well and pop out a ton of kids (preferably boys). So she was educated to be a wife, with little emphasis on academia, and LOTS of needlework. With her cross stitch mastered, Jane was sent to serve Henry VIII’s 1st wife, Catherine of Aragon, and more crucially – snatch a rich husband.
Jane arrived at court in a huge time of upheaval. In just a couple of years she saw Henry VIII change the country’s religion, divorce Catherine of Aragon and marry Anne Boleyn (who she then served).
BUT by 1536 Henry was falling out of love with Anne and had his sights set on getting off with the woman who was the exact opposite of his wife – that woman was of course, Jane.
So, with Anne proving to be pretty problematic, Henry decided to cut both his losses and Anne’s head (this is, of course, very simplified!)
The day after Anne’s execution, Jane was engaged to Henry and the pair were married 10 days later (so many red flags). Within a year, Jane was pregnant and soon giving Henry the thing he most wanted, a son.
And that’s where the story ends. Jane died on 24th October 1537, following drawn out complications she experienced in labour.
Let’s get down to business and look at just why Jane was in fact not a cute little wifey BUT a calculating master manipulator.
Ok first things first, let’s get this out the way:
Short answer: Yes
Long answer: Yes… but it’s not that black and white!
Here’s the thing, Anne Boleyn was doomed. Her downfall plotted from all sides, it was inevitable that she would be dethroned and disposed of.
And you know what a Queen down means? A WHOLE TON OF POWER UP FOR GRABS!
With the possibility of marrying the king (or at least becoming his mistress) the game was well and truly on – enter The Seymours.
The family had been on the rise for a while, but with Anne’s downfall, it looked like this could be the Seymours’ chance to cash in on some serious power and influence; especially because Henry had already set his sights on his next love:
Jane Seymour (handy that!)
And so, Jane had her family on side to advise, guide and generally ensure she (and more importantly, they) could milk the situation for all it was worth!
Jane utilised the demise of Anne Boleyn to her favour – by becoming the exact opposite of Anne.
Anne was outspoken, bold and the focus of any room, so Jane made sure that at all times, she came off as meek, mild and shy.
That’s not to say Jane didn’t follow in any of Anne’s footsteps. In fact she actually used same the play as Anne had in her early days with Henry. Rebuffing his initial romances, hooking him with the thrill of the chase and what he, the man who could have everything, couldn’t have.
But where as Anne had won Henry by turning down his initial romances with a mix of flirtation, sweetness and ambition, Jane went for all doe eyed Bambi innocence.
In fact, according to historian Antonia Fraser, Jane explained that she couldn’t possibly accept the kings gifts, for she had:
‘nothing in the world but her honour, which for a thousand deaths she would not wound… If the King deigned to make her a present of money, she prayed that it might be when she made an honourable marriage’
This was a seriously smart and calculated move!
Just as Anne Boleyn was entering her downfall, rumours of her alleged infidelities we’re spreading like wildfire. The other topic of hot court gossip? How has Jane Seymour remained a devout virgin in such a den of sexual sin? She must be an incredibly upstanding virtuous woman.
Like that, Jane secured her place as Henry’s dream girl.
BUT being Henry VIII’s dream girl wasn’t a walk in the park, after all this was a man with a body count…
Which brings us to our next point on what makes Jane so ingenious:
You see, Jane has the special role in Henry’s wives, as the only one, who was never in danger in getting executed.
Katherine of Aragon was threatened with death and eventually exiled, Anne Boleyn is beheaded, Anne of Cleves divorces Henry in part to ensure she doesn’t end up missing a key part of her anatomy, Catherine Howard is beheaded AND Katherine Parr just narrowly avoids execution.
But Jane? Well Jane somehow managed to maintain her golden girl status.
And you best believe that’s a badge well earned!
What we often forget about Jane is that she had one full year with Henry before becoming pregnant, with what is now often considered her golden ticket, a boy, Edward.
That’s one year with a man who was by now a full on tyrant, with violent mood swings galore and one recently decapitated wife under his belt (not to mention the abused exiled one),
To be blunt, daily life as Henry’s wife was akin to a tightrope walk over shark infested waters.
So how did Jane survive? Well, she played the game.
Like we’ve already covered, Jane courted Henry by playing up to idea of the docile little wife he wanted. And when she was actually his wife, Jane made sure to keep the act up!
She gave herself the Royal motto:
‘Bound to obey and serve’
Now that isn’t to say that Jane didn’t also want to use her new power to fight for what she thought was right. Just months after her marriage she begged Henry to restore the Abbeys he had destroyed years earlier.
In response, Henry reminded Jane of what happened to the last wife that disagreed with him…
After that it seems Jane made a concerted effort to study Henry’s moods, eventually having them down to a fine art.
This meant that unlike her predecessors, Jane knew when to push and more importantly, when to stop pushing.
Jane’s ability to handle Henry meant that she was able to:
Even before Jane and Henry were married, she was (allegedly) fighting to bring Henry’s estranged daughter, Mary, back to court.
With Spanish ambassador, Chapuys writing:
‘I hear that, even before the arrest of the Concubine [Anne Boleyn] The King, speaking with mistress Jane of their future marriage, the latter suggested that the Princess should be replaced in her former position; and the King told her she was a fool, and ought to solicit the advancement of the children they would have between them, and not any others’
But Jane wasn’t letting this one go.
She’d known Mary, from her time serving Mary’s Mum, Catherine of Aragon. And had watched on as Mary was cast aside and disinherited – Jane wasn’t going to let this shit continue!
So she continued quietly plugging away, getting the issue on the table under the radar. Until finally Henry agreed, if (and it’s a big IF) Mary would agree his marriage to Catherine of Aragon had been invalid.
The idea of signing a document declaring her parents marriage invalid broke Mary’s heart. After all, her mother had spent years fighting for that marriages validity; losing so much in that battle.
Yet, signing was Mary’s only hope at ever being able to regain her power.
So, she did, but she did so partly because she knew she now had a strong ally – Jane.
Mary knew that Jane had more than her back; she was one of the only people who was able to control and sway Henry. That’s one powerful person to have on side!
This is in turn led to Henry allowing his other daughter, Elizabeth (Anne’s daughter) back into his life. With the little princess invited back to court for Christmas in 1536.
That’s two Queens brought back into the folds of power, a feat Jane achieved in just 6 months, thanks to her skill at manipulating Henry without him even realising.
And that’s what makes Jane’s death even sadder.
She had such a short time on the throne, yet this master at the long game proved she could have achieved so much, if she had just had time on her side.
So, don’t overlook Jane. Sure she’s quiet, but remember it’s the quiet ones you have to watch.
This was interesting where can find out more? Sadly there aren’t many books on Jane but I’d suggest Elizabeth Norton’s book on her.
If you want an in depth look at all the wives, than I will always suggest checking out, Alison Wiers, Six Wives
When I was about 8 I became obsessed with Lady Jane Grey, after seeing this painting in the National Gallery
This Victorian painting by Paul Delaroche, embodies everything that has made Jane’s story stand the test of time.
The innocent teenager forced into a role she didn’t want by a power hungry family. To reign for 9 days before being stripped of her crown and thrown into prison. Finally meeting her end thanks to a bloody axe and a sadistic queen.
It’s a good story right?
The doe eyed Jane of history is a myth. A romanticised tale that, to be honest, does the real Jane a huge disservice.
So let’s discover the young women behind the myth:
Bit of a harsh one to start with… but true! England didn’t want Jane to be Queen.
Though Jane was twice bumped up in the line of succession (by both Henry VIII and Edward VI) Nobody knew who the F she was.
Jane wasn’t a regular at court, there was no gossip on her; Jane just was not a name or face that anybody non-royal would recognise.
To put this in modern terms; Janes accession to the throne would be like Lady Sarah Chatto becoming Queen.
Lady Sarah Chatto is the Queens fave niece and one of the members of the Royal Family that has the most in common with the Queen.
Still – lovely though she sounds – if Lady Sarah Chatto became Queen there would be questions. Such as: ‘who the actual fuck are you?’
This was pretty much the position of the people of England.
It’s great that the previous King liked you and all…but nobody here knows you and yeah…. we’re not a huge fan of some random ruling over us.
The people of England knew Henry’s daughters Mary and Elizabeth; they liked them and (understandably) believed that they were the rightful heirs to the throne.
So it’s unsurprising that when Jane made her first speech as Queen she was met by silence.
Jane just didn’t have the support of the people and without that her reign could never succeed.
In fact by the end of her short time on the throne, half the country still wasn’t aware that there’d been a new queen. Jane had just been a blip.
And yet…
By all accounts, Jane was ridiculously smart. Like Ridiculously!
Her parents took her education seriously and whilst her younger sisters were playing or picking up musical skills, Jane could always be found surrounded by books.
Jane could speak around 6 languages and loved nothing more than a juicy philosophical debate with some of the worlds scholars (many of whom were her pen pals!)
You may have guessed by now that Jane was all types of precocious!
Once, acclaimed writer and scholar Robert Ascham, found Jane alone, nose in a book, whilst the rest of her family were out hunting.
When he asked why she preferred to sit alone reading Plato in its original Greek, rather than being out with her family, she earnestly turned to him and said:
Soon Jane’s intelligence was gaining all sorts of attention. There was even speculation that she was more gifted than the (equally precocious) Princess Elizabeth.
Kind of awkward when you find out…
When Jane was around 10, she became the ward of Thomas Seymour; the brother of Henry VIIIs third wife, Jane and the now husband of Henry’s last wife, Katherine Parr.
Thomas was a power hungry man (as you can tell by the brother in law martial gymnastics!) and with Jane’s bump in the line of successions (following Henry VIIIs will) he wanted Jane for a potential pawn in one of his many political power plays.
So Thomas convinced Jane’s parents that if Jane came to live with him, it would help her education and transform her into an eligeable lady.
Just like that, Jane was placed into his care.
If you think this whole set up sounds sketchy AF… then you’d be right!
Not only was Thomas using a child for his political plotting, he was also a massive asshat!!
See Jane wasn’t the only ward under Thomas’s roof….
Princess Elizabeth was also living there, under the care of Katherine Parr. And you can bet Thomas was just as keen on using Elizabeth as he was Jane.
There are stacks of evidence that Thomas sexually abused Elizabeth. Some of this evidence suggests Elizabeth consented… but let’s remember that she was around 13 and he was one of her primary carers.
This abuse would lead to Elizabeth departing the home she shared with Jane.
Though the two had only lived together shortly; Jane impacted Elizabeth’s life. Both as an academic rival and later as a tragic warning of what could easily be Elizabeth’s fate.
After Elizabeth left his home, Thomas Seymour turned all his dickish attention to Jane.
Tragically –and luckily- for Jane, around the same time, Kathryn Parr died.
Without a woman in the house to help care for Jane, her parents sent for her to come home.
… but Thomas was a dick; so he obvs wasn’t giving up Jane that easily!
Thomas chased Jane down; eventually turning up at Jane’s parents house.
In a last bid attempt for Jane, Thomas promised her parents that he would work to get Jane married to the newly minted King Edward.
It worked and Jane was once more Thomas Seymour’s Ward.
With Jane back under his roof, Thomas doubled down on his quest for power.
He became erratic; his scheming more and more far fetched.
Eventually he decided that the only way he could convince King Edward to go along with his plans was if he separated Edward from his council…
So Thomas broke into Hampton Court Palace.
In the dead of night, Thomas snuck into the Kings quarters. As he got closer to the bedroom, a dog spotted Thomas and let out a bark.
So Thomas shot the dog.
The shot drew guards and Thomas was arrested… because don’t murder dogs you prick.
With Thomas under arrest, the home he shared with Jane was ransacked for evidence of his treasonous treachery.
Jane’s parents got her back home ASAP, but It was too late… she was officially part of Thomas’ treason. One of the charges raised against him was:
That daughter was of course, Jane.
To protect the family and Jane’s future, her Dad testified against Thomas.
The testimony was damning… so damning that Jane and her parents escaped any long term consequence.
Thomas wasn’t so lucky; he was beheaded for treason.
Though Jane had escaped the clutches of super dick, Thomas Seymour, don’t go thinking she wasnt all innocent saint…you see:
One of the most important things in Jane’s life was her religion. This wasn’t rare; religion was a huge hot button issue in Tudor England.
There was a divide between Catholics and Protestants. Each group believed the other was wrong… and by that I mean they thought the other sides religious beliefs were an automatic ticket to hell.
Jane made sure that her Protestant faith was at the core of all she did. And as a precocious and crazy smart teenager… that meant a lot of arguing!
As we’ve already said, Jane was pen pals with some of the leading minds of her day.
All well and good… unless they had a religious slip or went and converted. Then you best believe they’d be getting a letter from Jane cussing them out (seriously though, she straight up wrote that they’d go to hell)
But Jane’s biggest piece of dicketry was pissing off the future Mary I (the woman that would later sign off on Janes execution)
Jane’s family spent Christmas 1549 with Mary. They were family after all and though Mary was staunchly Catholic and Jane Protestant, surely they could get along for Christmas?
Haha of course not! It’s Christmas after all!
In the strong tradition of families falling out over the holidays, Jane took a trip to Mary’s private chapel.
There one of Mary’s ladies curtsied to the alter, explaining to Jane that she was curtsying to ‘him that made us all’. At this, Jane loudly scoffed:
When word of Janes mocking outburst got back to Mary, she was (understandably) pretty pissed of that Jane had come to her home and made fun of her religious beliefs.
Afterwards it was said that Mary felt she could never truly love Jane as she had before.
But Jane wouldn’t budge on her actions…truly:
On 6th July 1553, Jane was taken into a room where she found her family bowing at her. Then she was told that the King was dead, she was his new heir and was now Queen! All hail Queen Jane.
Jane’s response to this?
Jane was having none of it. She immediately proclaimed the whole thing ridiculous.
Only after a lot of coaxing/forcing did Jane put the crown on her head; still making it known she was only doing it to appease her parents.
Forced into a role she didn’t want, Jane was adamant she wouldn’t be taking any more bullshit.
When her husband and his Mum tried to flounce out of The Tower of London, protesting he wasn’t being treated regally enough (poor baby) Jane barred their way. Having the pair sent back to their rooms, tails between their legs.
But putting her mother in law in her place wasn’t the only way Jane was laying down the law. If she’d had it her way:
After Jane was told she was Queen and was presented with her crown, she wasn’t amused. Jane was less amused when she was told her husband, Guildford, was also getting a crown. 
As soon as she was alone with Guildford, Jane explained that he would not be becoming King. Consort… sure. King? Not a chance in hell buddy.
This was unheard of! A female ruler was already unusual (as in it hadn’t even been a possibility for hundreds of years!)
But Jane had made her decision. It was final. So final that when she discovered Guildford was making people calm him ‘your grace’ she shut that shit down sharpish.
No matter the argument, no matter how much she was pushed, Jane never backed down.
If she was going to be forced to rule, then she was going to do it her own way. Alone.
This was really interesting! Where can I find out more? I love, Crown of Blood, by Nicola Tallis. It’s a great read, packed full of info and resources. I actually read it over my 5th anniversary holiday with my partner (he was thrilled!) and I swear it made my already fab holiday approx 100x more fun.
Mary I has been remembered by history as ‘Bloody Mary’. The woman who burned her own people alive, ruthlessly lead her country into pointless religious upheaval and basically turned England into a clusterfuck of sadness and fear. But was Mary really that bad? Let’s find out!
Now I’m sure we can all (hopefully) agree that the beheading of an innocent teenage girl isn’t a winning start to your Queen career.
It is however worth pointing out that it’s more than arguable that Mary’s hand was forced in this; with continual attempts to make Jane queen and Mary’s hold on the throne more than shaky, Jane was way to dangerous to keep alive.
Yet Mary really didn’t want the teenager to die. Desperately attempting to spare Jane’s life by trying to diagnose Jane as pregnant (Jane wasn’t pregnant FYI and she was pretty pissed at Mary trying to get her internally examined)
In the end Mary saw no way out. For her to be Queen (and also alive!) heads had to roll.
Sadly, logic (however bleak!) does not prevail when you’re faced with a headless innocent 16 year old who is immediately martyred. And so starts the story of the woman labeled one of history’s biggest bitches.
The first born child of Henry VIII, Mary grew up in a happy little bubble. Her dad loved her, her mum (Catherine of Aragon) loved her; she was intelligent and her future was looking pretty damn bright. And then the divorce hit.
If you have divorced parents, then I’m sure you understand how rough a divorce can be on a child. But just incase, lets break this down:
Imagine that your dad is so desperate to divorce your mum he invents a whole new religion to do it (which btw turns your strict catholic upbringing on its head!). Then dad ships mum off, to essentially live in exile.
Then new mummy (Anne Boleyn) makes it clear that she’d be more than pleased if you and your mum were executed, but as that’s not happening any time soon, you’ll be stripped of your titles and made to basically serve your new baby sister (Elizabeth).
Oh…and then your dad stops speaking to you, your mum dies (obvs you’re banned from seeing her on her death bed) and then to top things off, new mummy is beheaded.
Somehow Mary turns out ok. She is super overly religious (Catholic of course, because fuck Dad’s new home wrecking religion!) and not a ton of fun, but she’s also determined, smart and a functioning adult. It could have been worse!
Mary and her dad start talking again and by the time he dies she is once more a Princess and eligible to the throne – should her brother die…
And what do you know, he does die!
Once Lady Jane Grey is out the way, Mary ascends the throne aged 37. The people are happy, Mary is happy, it’s all good. Well, apart from a few small problems.
You see, Mary was determined to return England to Catholicism, this can’t happen with Mary’s half sister Elizabeth (a protestant!) next in line to the throne. But as Mary was unmarried with no kids, Elizabeth was almost guaranteed the crown. So Mary set out to get herself a man….and so began her many problems
Mary quickly snagged herself a hot (and crucially, catholic) betrothed – Prince Philip of Spain. Sadly, for Mary, the English people hated him.
The English did not like Spain, it was foreign and they did not get on with it at all. They were certainly not happy with having a new foreign King telling them what to do and wanted nothing more than for Philip to pop back on his little boat and kindly fuck off back to Spain. 
Worse than this casual xenophobia, the protestants were uprising. Afraid of what this catholic power couple would mean for them, a rebellion soon sprung up.
Life lesson: if your marriage causes a literal revolt, maybe have a little rethink.
Obviously Mary got married anyway. She was determined to get married, get up the duff and save England from the protestants and restore Catholicism. Fuck popularity, this was the lords work.
So a few months into her reign and Mary had ‘get a husband’ crossed off her to do list. Now all she needed to do was pop out a baby…easy right?
In Tudor England it was a woman’s job to have babies. In fact, it was a woman’s only job: Have all of the babies…ideally boys.
It seems simple but Mary knew differently. She had seen countless women fail at this, her mother included and she knew that without an heir, any work she did would be for nothing.
The pressure was very real.
And then it happened. Mary fell pregnant.Her stomach grew, she felt her baby kick, she even had the joys of morning sickness. But the baby never came.
Mary was so desperate for a baby that her mind had created one for her.
It’s now believed that Mary was suffering from pseudocyesis, a rare condition where a person experiences the symptoms of pregnancy, believing themselves to be pregnant, when there is no child. The condition may be caused by trauma (which for Mary would make sense!) and is treated with ongoing intensive therapy.
But Tudor doctors didn’t know about pseudocyesis, or therapy. Mary was on her own.
The fear that Mary must have felt is just incredible. She would have felt like she was both losing her grip on reality and her power. So it’s no surprise then that Mary doubled down on her third problem:
Mary believed that the only way to bring England back to Catholicism, was to publically punish protestants. She invoked old laws to persecute popular protestants (bishops, arch bishops, preachers, you name it!)
During her short reign, just under 300 people were sent to the stake for the crime of not being catholic. That’s, innocent men, women and children, all burned alive.
No matter what her intentions and reasoning, no matter how hard Mary believed she was actually ‘saving’ these souls, burning people alive is unforgivable. It’s beyond not ok.
And yet…. Mary wasn’t the only one to burn her people.
Her Dad (Henry Vlll) brother (Edward Vl) and sister (Elizabeth l) all also burnt subjects at the stake and the reasoning for many of these deaths religion based.
This isn’t to excuse anyone’s actions – it’s too point out that everyone was a dick when it came to this and that this ‘punishment’ was pretty standardized for the era (yeah; turns out Tudor England is a pretty crap place to live)
On the whole, Mary was actually a lot less execution happy than the rest of her family! With her Dad raking up more executions per year on average than Mary did.
In fact, Mary pardoned a lot of people (more than anyone else in her family!) believing in reprieves and forgiveness, she was known to offer many a last minute pardons as people were about to be executed.
No.
Look, it’s time we dropped the ‘Bloody Mary’ label.
In history we have a habit of labelling, especially when it comes to women. In the tudor era alone we’ve had callous six fingered bitch Anne Boleyn, sex kitten whore Katherine Howard, Virgin Queen Elizabeth; we know that when we dig beneath the labels we find something so much more interesting, and actual person!
So was Mary evil? No. Now, she wasn’t lovely either – you wouldn’t want to get a drink with her (mainly because I reckon she’d drone on when drunk). Mary was a person, she had a troubled childhood that shaped her, a history of mental illness and dogged determination that led to so much heartache. She’s an interesting woman and well worth another look.
This was interesting! Where can I find out more? I’m going to suggest, Anne Whitelock’s Mary Tudor: England’s First Queen, it’s a thoughtful read and tries to understand why Mary had her world view.
Who doesn’t love a wedding? Trick question! Everyone does. There’s cake, booze and tons of stuff to secretly judge (we all do, its fine!)…sadly though there are also dull great aunts, too long speeches and the fact that wearing heels for more than 3 hours is basically torture.
And THAT my friends is why a Royal Wedding, is the best kind of wedding.
You can not so secretly judge away at every little detail, free from guilt and without any form of shoe based pain! THE DREAM.
So in that judgemental spirit, we’ll be pitting iconic royal wedding dresses against each other to discover which royal bride had the best (and worst) dress in history!
For this we will be ranking each on the below categories (out of 10)
I’ll also be taking away 5 points if the dress is so expensive that you need to sell your organs/first born to afford it.
At the end we’ll see which historic wedding dress wins!
For much of history, wedding dresses were only a thing for the rich. They were a chance to show of wealth and status; because, well..marriage was an exchange of goods between families and the dress was just a chance to show off how awesome those goods were (sad but true!)
So where as poorer brides would wear their nicest dress, rich brides would deck themselves in jewels, embroidery, beading and sumptuous fabrics in all colours of the rainbow.
That’s right, colours! Vivid reds and blues, yellows, even golds. This dress would serve as a girls best dress for a while, so why waste it on a colour that gets dirty crazy easily and is hard to wear again?
Well, logic like that doesn’t matter if you’re…
In 1558 Mary Queen of Scots married Francis, Dauphin of France, in a no expenses spared ceremony in Paris.
The coming together of two countries was an auspicious occasion that demanded the best in lavish excess and Mary more than held up her end of things with her dress.
The train of Mary’s dress was over 10 ft long and so stuffed with jewels that it required two ladies maids to hold it aloft at all times!
Mary carried the theme of all the jewels into her accessories, rocking a golden cornet and necklace, both absolutely stuffed with gems.
Yet despite all its rocks Mary’s dress caused quite the scandal; you see Mary…..
Now, in the 16th century white was a colour of mourning, not really the vibe you want for a wedding.
BUT white was Mary’s favourite colour! She thought it made her look amazing and emphasised her porcelain skin and auburn hair; so haters be damned, she was wearing god damn white if she wanted to.
Sadly it didn’t prove to be a great sartorial choice.
Two years after the wedding, Mary’s groom died, which caused the French court to claim that Mary’s white dress was to blame, as her poor fashion choices must have cursed their wedding and killed her hubby!
Rating:
Functionality: 3/10 (you need 2 ladies to carry the dress at all times, it doesn’t say much for how likely you are to be able to pee…)
Poofyness: 6/10
Sass Factor: 10/10
Ability to look back without thinking you looked an absolute twat: 0/10 (sorry, but if people think your dress killed your husband, its not great is it now?)
And I’ll be taking away 5 points for cost, as even for a Royal all those gems are leaving you out of pocket!
Princess Charlotte of Wales was a hugely popular royal; heir to the throne and a bit of a fashionista – it shouldn’t come as a surprise that her 1816 wedding to Prince Leopold (later King of Belgium) was a big fucking deal!
On the morning of the wedding people lined the streets hoping to catch a glimpse of Charlotte. And when she finally emerged, she caused an immediate stir.
Charlottes dress was made of a woven silver thread with intricate embroidered flowers on the hem.
Under the dress was a tissue slip made of the same silver thread and on top was a sheer silk netting. Charlotte’s mantua was an estimated 7.4 feet and she was also dripping in diamonds. It’s even said that Charlotte had diamonds in her hair.
I repeat. Diamonds. In. Her. Hair.
The whole thing cost an estimated £10,000. Or in a todays money, a cool 800k.
Rating:
Functionality: 5/10 (The fact that she didn’t need help to move is a plus, but that 7 foot mantua must have made going through doors a bloody nightmare!)
Poofyness: 7/10
Sass Factor: 8/10
Ability to look back without thinking you looked an absolute twat: 7/10
I’ll be taking away 5 points for cost, as a wedding dress shouldn’t cost the same as a Donald Trump golfing holiday.
Victoria wanted a lot from her dress. You see, big priority for her was making sure that her dress reflected British industries, which would grow British trade (admittedly a bit of a big ask for a dress!)
More than that though, Victoria wanted her dress to make it clear her new husband was not becoming her subject. See, Victoria was really traditional and in marrying Albert she wanted to become his wife, not his Queen.
So Vic dumped the red ceremonial robes and instead plumped for something demure, simple and British made. 
Keen to promote the hand made British lace industry (which was taking a bit of a battering thanks to the industrial revolution!) Vic decided to cover her dress in delicate lace.
And to make the lace really stand out, Vic went rogue.
She wore an all white dress.
Victoria was actually the first British royal to ever wear an all white dress. And it wasn’t to symbolise purity (she wore Orange Blossom to symbolise that!) the white, was just to pimp out British lace.
BUT the trend stuck. Soon brides all over the country were copying the Queen and wearing a white dress for their weddings.
Rating:
Functionality: 10/10
Poofyness: 4/10
Sass Factor: 5/10
Ability to look back without thinking you looked an absolute twat: 10/10 (when you start a 100+ year old wedding trend, you kinda nailed kt…)
As Victoria’s dress was used to promote British industry, I’ll be taking away no points!
When Wallis Simpson was picking out her wedding dress for her 1937 marriage to The Duke of Windsor (formally King Edward Vlll) she was walking a very precarious tightrope of public opinion.
Everyone was still pretty pissed off that the King had abdicated to be with her, plus Wallis was a two time divorcee, which people weren’t fans of.
Both gossip magazines and the public thought it would be deeply inappropriate for her to wear white, as she’d been married before! Colour wasn’t the only issue facing Wallis.
She wouldn’t be getting a huge royal wedding (In the same way Edward now wouldn’t be getting his huge royal coronation…) so if she stepped out in full princess poof…well…it wouldn’t go well.
Luckily Wallis wasn’t the fro fro princess type. After all this was the lady who famously said:
‘you can never be too rich or too thin’
Wallis opted for a simple understated dress in a bespoke pale blue (dubbed ‘Wallis Blue’ as it matched her eyes)
She followed royal protocol, covering her cleavage and arms, but bar that it was nipped in, slinky and all in all, a big two fingers up to the monarchy.
Instead of a veil Wallis wore a hat with a tulle ‘halo’.
Sources from the time suggested the ‘halo’ was to help people warm to her and see her in a less demonised way; wearing a literal halo seems a bit on the nose, but it’s your wedding day, you do you boo.
Rating:
Functionality: 10/10
Poofyness: 0/10
Sass Factor: 7/10
Ability to look back without thinking you looked an absolute twat: 7/10
Truly the Kardashians of wedding dresses. You can’t get away from it. It’s everywhere. It’s even got it’s own Wikipedia page!!!!
Designed by David and Elizabeth Emanuel, Diana’s dress was huge. Both in scale of the global media attention it received (and continues to get!) and in the form of the actual dress.
The train came in at 25 feet. It had thousands of pearls and and sequins sewn throughout its many many layers. Estimates for the dress cost vary, but the latest one (from the designer) is just under £4,500 (at the current exchange rate) which seems a bit of a steal!
Within hours of Diana appearing in the dress, brides were calling up for copies and soon a decade long love of meringue dresses was born.
Rating:
Functionality: 3/10 *cough* 25ft train
Poofyness: 10/10
Sass Factor: 5/10
Ability to look back without thinking you looked an absolute twat: 3/10 (I’m sorry!)
I can reveal that official (ish) best wedding dress in history is:
Queen Victoria’s wedding dress from her 1840 wedding to Prince Albert!
What do you think? Is this the right pick?
Which dress would you wear? Let me know!
Anne of Cleaves has a historically bad rap, this is in no small part because she will forever be remembered as Henry VIIIs ‘ugly’ wife; ‘the Flanders Mare’. Which seems pretty bullshit:
Anne was an incredibly amazing and accomplished woman, she was smart, shrewd and is far and away the wife I’d most like to have a pint with (sorry Anne B)
Anne grew up the awkward middle child, both on Europes political stage and at home.
Princess to a small and only occasionally useful duchy, Anne was told that the only thing she would ever achieve was to be a good-ish wife.
Her older sister was a famous beauty who was soon married off, her younger sister was also beautiful and witty, her older brother was an arsehole, but a semi-successful one…and Anne was just there, under the family thumb, getting on with her wife studies and waiting to be told what to do and where to go.
Sadly for Anne, Her family decided the best place for her was on the arm of this ass hat 
Henry VIII was on the hunt for wife number 4. With one wife divorced and essentially exiled, one beheaded and one dead, his dating profile wasn’t great. So it’s unsurprising that Europes princesses weren’t exactly tripping over themselves to marry this obese ageing megalomaniac.
But that wasn’t an issue for Annes family!
Anne and her younger sister had portraits taken and sent to Henry (sort of like ye olde Tinder)
Henry was immediately taken with Annes portrait and the description of her. Sure enough, Anne was picked to be Henrys bride and her passage to England was set.
For her part, Anne was thrilled. Finally she’d get away from her oppressive family and get to live her own life!
But there were issues. For one, Anne couldn’t actually speak English, which is a bit of a worry when you’re off to go be Queen of England. She also didn’t know anything about music or dancing, which were Henrys favourite past times. Plus she hadn’t actually been raised to be a Queen.
Sure, she was a Princess and yes she’d been raised to be the best darn wife she could be…but she was princess of a tiny duchy and only ever expected to marry a Duke or maybe a low level Prince. Being Queen of one of the worlds biggest powers was a different thing entirely!
But Anne wasn’t a quitter. She spent the long journey to England trying to pick up the language and customs and learned games that Henry liked. She was aiming to wow!
And then she got there….
Henry was both a tyrant and a romantic, a combination that basically guarantees dickery.
True to dick form, he decided to don a disguise to meet his new bride, sure that their love would be so strong, she would immediately see through the rouse and leap into his arms.
Instead Anne patiently ignored the overweight sweaty man as he pawed at her and tried to get her attention. She was waiting to meet the King and neither wanted to engage with or offend this new unwanted admirer.
And then the guy kissed her and Anne stepped back in shock. Because, well you would. This was too much for Henry. He threw off his disguise and stormed out the room, leaving a confused Anne in his wake.
The damage was done, the marriage was in ruins before it even began.
Still though, the Henry and Anne had to tie knot! The wedding was set, Henry well versed in what to do and well…it would have been embarrassing not to.
But the pair didn’t consummate the union.
Rumours soon spread that Anne didn’t actually know what sex was. She told her ladies that she had ‘laid’ with the King and thought she might be pregnant – despite openly acknowledging that the two had just kissed.
This is where the question comes in:
Look, cards on the table – yes it is likely that Anne wasn’t, er…as well versed in sexual conduct as she should have been.
She came from a strict and religious upbringing and it is very likely that her mum neglected to tell her about the birds and the bees as much as she should have done, especially considering her daughter was being shipped off to go make babies.
This aside though, I reckon Anne was pretty bloody on it!
Anne knew that her marriage was heading for the rocks. She understood that this was a very dangerous situation and that if not careful she would possibly be dead or ruined in a few months time.
So Anne played the game. She learnt from past players mistakes (she wouldn’t argue back or push for reform and change like Anne B and Catherine. Though she shared a lot of their personality traits (determined, spirited and vocal) Anne worked hard to play this down for the volatile King Henry.
This will be the only time I ever say this, but…doing absolutely nothing was the best thing she could have done!
Being docile and impassive guaranteed her survival. Perhaps that’s not making any inspirational posters, but it’s true and it worked…
That’s not to say Anne didn’t occasionally show her true self. Once when discussing Henrys daughter Mary and her marriage prospects, Anne was (gasp) open and frank in her opinions.
This didn’t go down well and soon Henry was loudly complaining about Anne’s stubborn and wilful nature.
After this incident Anne made sure to double down on her docile rouse and soon She looked on track to escape this marriage with her head. Win! But that wasn’t the only thing she wanted.
Anne hadn’t known independence before coming to England. She had been strictly under her Mum and brothers control.
She had thought that marrying the King of England would be the shot at independence that she had longed for…but instead she’d become a shadow of herself as she tried to appease a tyrannical super dick.
With this marriage coming to a close, Annes future was up in the air.
The English court was soon full of gossip, Would Henry find her anouther husband? Would she live the rest of her days as a nun? Perhaps she’d be sent back to her family?
Not on Anne’s watch! She had no intention of once more living under anyone else’s rule.
Anne was determined to finally be an independent woman.
Though she was expecting it, Anne was still devastated when she was told Henry wanted a divorce. There was a lot on the line and suddenly everything felt very real.
But she quickly regained composure and determined to not repeat Catherine of Aragons mistakes, Anne complied with all of Henrys wishes.
However she was resolute on staying in England. She had started to realise the full level of her disgrace should she return to Cleves and genuinely feared that her brother may kill her in retaliation for her failure as a wife.
Shit was very real and time was running out.
Henry demanded Anne send him her written agreement to his offer of a divorce. But Anne needed more time to think and make sure she was completely safe…so she refused Henry Vlll. Steadfast that she would only speak to the King in person.
It was a big gamble, but it paid off. The marriage was annulled (saving Anne from divorce and offering her a little bit of dignity) she also received a generous lifelong yearly pension and the new title of ‘Kings Sister’; her status at English court would be higher than any other lady.
With her place in English court locked down, Anne made one more brave decision.
This was – to put it mildly – a fucking ballsy move.
In Tudor England an unmarried woman was a cause for pity, a divorced and unmarried woman was a cause for pity, scorn and a side of ‘what’s her problem?’
But Anne didn’t care what anyone thought, she wanted her independence. So she ignored the whispers and wore her new title of ‘kings sister’ with humor and grace.
She visited court regularly and became a popular and beloved figure. She was given land and property, where she set up a home for herself and spent the next 17 years living the life she chose.
This was really interesting, how can I find out more? Now, I’ve never found a book on Anne that truly digs deep and does her the historic justice she deserves. But I live in hope, Josephine Wilkinson did an incredible -and waaaay overdue – book on Katherine Howard last year, so maybe one day we’ll get the Anne C book of our dreams.
Until that day, I’d suggest reading Six Wives by Alison Weir. It’s a great place to start getting more in depth looks at all of Henry Vllls wives.
Jane Boleyn was a bitch – or so history tells us
Centuries on from her execution she remains one of the most vilified figures in history. Opinion of her can be pretty much summarised by Historian C Coote:
Aww remember the good old days when historians could openly celebrate the brutal execution of people…
Cootes opinion isn’t a one off. You see, Jane is famed with bringing about the downfall and eventual execution of her husband George Boleyn and his sister, Anne Boleyn. With Jane giving false evidence which led to Anne, George and 4 other courtiers execution.
And it’s not only that! Just a few years later Jane would be embroiled in yet another royal scandal; aiding and abating the treasonous affair between Thomas Culpepper and Henry Vllls young wife, Katherine Howard. This was a scandal Jane couldn’t survive and she, Culpepper and Howard all met with the executioners axe.
It’s all this that had made Jane Boyleyn history’s favourite conniving bitch.
But is that right? Does Jane deserve to be vilified by history? As historic research keeps getting better, we’re seeing more and more cracks in what we know about Jane Boleyn. What was once hard fact is starting to look fictitious. Which raises the question – did Jane Boleyn actually do any of the things she has been demonised for?
Let’s find out!
The most common story tells us that spiteful and jealous, Jane gave false evidence that sealed the fates of Anne Boleyn, George Boleyn and 4 other unfortunate courtiers.
Jane told the court that Anne was having affairs all over the place…even with her brother. This effectively nailed down 6 people’s coffins.
Here’s the thing: the facts on this one are pretty bloody shaky at best! There’s little surviving evidence in both sides of the argument.
Which makes working out if Jane did effectively kill 6 people, detective work to the extreme.
We know that several of Anne’s ladies were asked to give evidence at her trial. To refuse was not an option (unless you fancied joining the rest of your pals at the execution block) Jane was part of this number.
We also know that during the trial one of these ladies gave false evidence that Anne and George had a more than platonic relationship. But no name is given as to who this woman was.
In the account of Imperial Ambassador Chapuys, the only description of the woman is this:
Super helpful Chaps!
But don’t worry, at his trial George Boleyn mentions the woman who sealed his fate, so maybe theres something useful there:
‘Woman’ ….yeah not that helpful either George.
So, left without a name or a description, how the hell can we possibly work out who gave this evidence?
Well we can hazard a guess at who would have been most likely to be privy to this kind of information.
On that level, it’s not looking great for Jane.
As sister in law and confidant she would be best placed to hear of/witness an affair – but remember the evidence is false – so the question is this: though Janes neck is quite literally on the line here, would she lie to this extent when:
The families of people convicted of treason didn’t tend to live out the rest of their days skipping through a field of daisies.
Yes, execution really was the worst punishment. But the potent decades of shame, poverty and even prison that the families of the accused had in store was also pretty shitty.
With her husband and sister in law convicted of treason in such a scandalous way, Jane stood to lose a lot.
The Boleyns high position of power, their titles and lands all disappeared overnight and as she and George hadn’t popped out a son she wasn’t entitled to his fortune.
Jane did get to keep her title (Viscountess Rochford) but without a place at court, lands or a fortune it was kind of useless.
It should also be noted that Jane wrote to George when he was awaiting his execution. And his reply didn’t contain the words:
In fact his reply was nice, which suggests he didn’t blame Jane for his death.
George and Anne’s Dad also appears to have been in the same camp; arranging a yearly small pension for Jane.
Armed with this pension, Jane convinced Thomas Cromwell – the Kings right hand man and key player in the Boleyn downfall – to offer her financial and social support. With this in place, she returned to court and started to try and claw her way back into a good position.
Her hard work paid off and Jane served Jane Seymour until Seymours death and then her successor, Anne of Cleeves.
She started to get back in Henry’s good books, performing a role in Seymours funeral and giving evidence to help Henry divorce Anne of Cleeves (because being nice to Henry Vlll involves a lot of deaths, wives and court proceedings.)
But then all Janes hard work turned to shit.
As she had with the two previous Queens, Jane also served Henrys new young bride, Katherine Howard (who was a relative, through Jane’s marriage to the -deceased- George Boleyn)
Jane quickly become Katherines confidant and soon the two women became embroiled in a secret so great that it would end both their lives.
The story goes that Jane and Katherine worked together to hide the new Queens relationship with one Thomas Culpepper. A favourite of the King and Katherine’s cousin. with Jane acting as secret keeper and go between.
But the relationship didn’t stay in the shadows for long. Katherine and Culpepper were caught and accused of adultery. Soon they, along with Jane, were sent to the Tower of London to await their fate.
Now, hiding a Queens affair seems like a monumental fuck up on Janes part and hardly fits in with the behavior of someone trying to regain the Kings favour and move on from their scandalous past.
But as with everything in this story – it’s not that simple!
To summarise: Katherine had a hidden past of sexual abuse; a past that would put her marriage at risk if Henry ever discovered it. It’s likely that Culpepper discovered this and was blackmailing Katherine (for sex, for power, etc.)
Culpepper was not a nice guy, he was a known rapist and murderer and volatile as fuck. Basically not someone you want to be around.
So maybe Jane got involved in the situation because she wanted to gain the trust of the new Queen, maybe she just felt bad and wanted to help. whatever it was that led her to make that choice, once Culpepper knew of Janes involvement it would have been near impossible for her to back out.
Personally I think this really puts pay to the picture of Jane as a master manipulator.
Jane entered an obviously dangerous situation, where the gains in no way outweighed the risks.
Unless Jane just lived for the drama, it seems very unlikely that she got involved due to a machiavellian lust for power and more likely that she made one bad decision and the situation spiraled beyond anyone’s control.
Either way Jane ended up in The Tower of London facing execution and under this intense stress she had a severe mental breakdown.
Or did she? Because one theory that has followed Jane through history is this:
This really fits the cunning bitch narrative, but yet again, is based around literally no evidence.
We do know that Jane had a full on breakdown in the Tower. Completely breaking away from reality, everyone around her became deeply worried about what was going on with her mental health. From the guards to her family; they all agreed that Jane was very unwell.
However there’s no evidence that suggests this entire mental break was a cunning rouse.
Jane was eventually removed from the Tower of London and cared for by members of the court in their home.
However Henry wasn’t letting her off that easily! It was against the law at the time for a person suffering ‘madness’ to be executed. But that wasn’t going to stop Henry ‘I invented a religion for a divorce’ Vlll.
Henry Vlll changed the law just so Jane Boleyn could be executed – I mean, I guess you have to give Henry props for determination.
And so on 13th February 1542, Jane Boleyn was beheaded inside the Tower of London alongside Katherine Howard.
As with her life, Jane’s execution managed to create it’s own mythology, with Jane tearfully apologising for her role in the deaths of Anne and George Boleyn (she didn’t and yet again, there is no evidence that she did)
Wow this was really interesting where can I find out more? I would suggest checking out Julia Foxes book ‘The True Story of The Infamous Lady Rochford.’ It’s a great deep dive and has a good pace.
F Yeah History 